Dear Diary,

It always hits me like a ton of bricks when I see one of Stephen's cousins post about their unfulfilled longing to be a mother/have a baby/be pregnant/etc.

This time it's Catherine. Apparently shortly after she and Dave adopted Abigail, they started trying to get pregnant. It's been a year now and no luck. Catherine just posted about how she's endeavoring to trust GOd in the middle of it when this has been a lifelong dream.

What world is this? Di, I just don't understand.

And why do I react so angrily to people who express this desire? I'm not angry at Catherine, exactly. I'm more angry that anyone would want being pregnant so badly and would want to go through those horrible newborn days so much. (...I'm glad no one reads this because I am sure I would get judged pretty harshly...) What's weird is I don't even understand why I get angry about it. Except that it has something to do with the fact that watching Micah's newborn videos the other day made me cry, not because I miss that stage so much, but because I'm so terrified of doing it all over again. And it has something to do with the fact that motherhood is damn hard.

But again, what's weird is, my rational mind knows Catherine has some idea of that. I mean, she's had a special needs baby for an entire year now, a special needs baby who ends up in the hospital for days and days every 3 months. It's not like she's expecting easy.

Do I not want to be a mother? It's not that. I enjoy being a mother. I just don't CRAVE being a mother to the depth of my being. I do it because I need a role of some sort and I don't seem to be cut out for the working world. It's more my Plan B because Plan A didn't work out so great.

Maybe some part of me still feels like being a mother is second-best?

It's so complicated, Di. And I'm going to cry again. I'm glad Stephen is home (he's sick) because I obviously need to cry and talk about this. :-/

-Stephanie

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