I figured out something about myself. If I find out that other people have problems, I won't talk to them about mine. Ever. Not even if they say it's okay. To me, it's like, "You definitely don't need my burdens to deal with on top of your own." I will listen to them and try to help them, but there's no way they'd get a word from me about the (much less important) issues in my own life. What does it matter that I am trying to get over a relationship and figure out myself and God if someone else is dealing with eating disorders and other severe self-image problems?

I suppose it's not exactly healthy. Especially since most of the people I am friends with do have real problems like those. (So I don't talk to anybody about anything upsetting me.)

Mar. 5, 2005: So, Deej has been arguing me, and though I'm not sure what her point is, through this arguing it's making me look harder and I realize I am rationalizing or justifying or something. "I don't talk about my problems because of this (above, crossd out)." But the real truth is I don't talk about my problems because I don't want to. Let me see... As far as I can figure, it's part pride and part something else. Part "I can handle it by myself" (why didn't I score higher on narcissism?) and part "My problems are so stupid! Why on earth do I bother people with them at all?" So I was trying to justify myself somehow.

Ah, more random musings. I am a cynic and quite bitter about guys in general. Not that all of you haven't seen that by now, LOL, but I am barely starting to admit it to myself. I can tell I am but I don't want to believe it... Who'd want to believe they're a cynic? Well, besides the people who are REALLY cynical and bitter, even to the point of being cynical and bitter about themselves being cynical and bitter. I do know a few like that. They all want to be more positive but don't feel like they can... That's my opinion, anyway. Any REALLY cynical/bitter people who read that would automatically deny it and argue me on it. Such is life.

Gosh, what is my problem? I am just one messed up person. I won�t admit when I�m wrong yet wish I was more honest with myself. I think I can do everything by myself yet purposefully pick things that are easier for me just so I can maintain my belief that I can handle everything by myself. I long to make friends with people yet pull away from them. I�m what my grandpa said�"shy people are so interesting, because they try so hard to not be the center of attention, yet when they are ignored feel hurt and bruised."

I am one shy person who has built up a wall made out of hurts and bruises from things she brought onto herself.

And I am very selfish, moaning on like this about the myself for so long.

Ugh, it must be Saturday... I need sleep...

And I was thinking today, "I wonder if anyone ever wonders about me the way I wonder about them?" Often I look at people and ask myself, "Why do they glance about like that? Why do they dress like that? Why do they act like that? What are they hiding? What are they struggling with? What are they trying to do?" Does anyone ever look at me and wonder, "Why does she try to look away when we pass? Why doesn't she wear her hair in a more attractive way? Why does she dress like she does? What is she insecure about? What is she trying to prove? What is her personality like?"

Just some random musings about myself.

-Stephanie

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