All of us have days like these--days where questions seem endless and answers seem nowhere. I have lots of these days, if you haven't noticed. :) Maybe it's a part of growing up.

Here, then, is a sort of poem in prose, come out of the weariness of a tired mind. To bed I go, then, after I post this:

Warm summer evenings call to mind gazing at stars lost in the dark night sky. Yet with memories of looking at the skies come memories of a deep regard for full moons bordering on reverence. His wayward sayings on the stone orb gliding in the sky have bothered me always. Why does he not look to the Creator who made the moon and all the heavenly beings?

But when I remember the times I was held... When I remember the warmth of sheer happiness surrounding me, flowing in me... When I remember those, my head spins on thoughts of kisses, the sparkling gems of love. What I wouldn't give to once more be rich in those jewels...

A coldness seizes me as I, for what seems the ten thousandth time, look hard over my motives for a relationship and my potential for keeping a lasting one. Fear can grip my heart and squeeze out the life light in it. I can't help but think of my mother's broken relationship and my own inclination towards a repetition of the mistake. Purely run by emotions, can anyone find a forever companion? My own weakness holds me back. Fear... Yes, fear, and fear in its fullest... Fear continues to keep me prisoner, locked in my own chains, but not unwillingly. I don't make a fuss. I know that I will never be worthy of a strong, capable man, a forever-loving husband. My own shortcomings hold me back from such a joy.

I try to find meaning and search for love in a Father's arms, but where is it? It doesn't seem to be there. Nothng but an empty cavity fills my heart. What am I looking for? How do I believe I can gain love? Many tell me you need not earn it, it�s already there. But where? Why don't I feel it?

Out there, somewhere, is there someone looking for me? Is there a God preparing someone's heart to receive me as their one and only? Is there a love that never ends? Will I ever find it?

Searching.

-Stephanie