I just got back from Kristi's. We had a lot of fun with our Girls Day. We did pedicures and watched "Sense and Sensibility." After that we played a princess game of Hannah's. Then we prayed, and then we talked. Nate was downstairs the whole time. Sleeping, probably. Kristi started to ask me something. She stopped and screwed her face up in a hesitant, uncertain way. I knew something was coming and waited for it with fear and trembling, quite literally. "Hannah, go see if Nate's up and then come back," said Kristi. while Hannah was downstairs, Kristi asked me in a voix basse, "Are there any bad feelings between you and Nate?"

I knew it had been coming, and though I didn't have an answer prepared, my mind was prepared for the question. Today I was going to tell her the whole truth. "No, there aren't any... bad feelings," I said. "But I haven't talked to him in a long time. On purpose." Somehow I got the words out of my mouth.

We talked good and long about relationships following that. A lot of what she said made sense to me. And as I listened to her, things came to my own mind that I realized God had been trying to tell me. She talked about living in a town separate from Dave, but God still brought them together, and I realized that God's arms can stretch across the whole United States and bring two people together who were meant to be together. She talked about Becka meeting Kevin in a class they had together at college and I realized God can bring people together in the simplest of situations. Kristi talked about getting married at 32 and I realized God works in His own time, and in the waiting time He prepares the hearts of those He is going to bring together. Kristi talked about going on friendly dates, not serious ones, and I remembered last night, when I realized I am soon going to be free. And I realized that God has already started to prepare my heart for those kinds of friendly dates next year. And I realized I still have a lot yet to learn before God brings me the right man--patience and trust being the top two.

I also told Kristi one of the things I had longed to say but had never found the opportunity to in front of her to say. I told her why I had been purposely not calling Nate lately, and I also told her the other side of the coin. I confided in her my worst fear: hurting Nate by what I'm doing. She said she thinks Nate sees what I am doing and is okay with it. She said what I am doing is better.

I could have cried when I heard those few words from her: he's okay with it, and I'm doing the right thing. I couldn't ask for a better answer to prayer. All this time, I thought I'd get one or the other: I'd either hurt him terribly by doing the right thing, or keep him happy by doing the wrong thing. To hear that "he's okay with it" and "you're doing the right thing" brings more joy than I can express. Joy... Joy is a misunderstood word, I think. People equate inward joy with outward happiness and delight. That's not always the case. Joy... Joy comes to me inwardly, knowing that I am doing the right thing AND Nate is okay with it. But you won't see it on my face. It still hurts that I have to do this. I still feel the ache of disappointment that I didn't get my fairy tale dream-come-true--that the first frog I kissed, if you will, didn't turn out to be my prince. So you won't see me "jumping for joy," but nevertheless, I feel joy that I'm doing the right thing... and that Nate is okay.

Back to the thought of freedom. Nate is moving on and with his movement my bonds fall off. With the falling chains, weight comes off my shoulders as well. I'll be light and free again soon. I need a picture for that... I may draw one tonight and post it in Dreams In Art.

Finding love elsewhere
Released from emotional bonds
Enjoying the company of others
Emptying my heart of emotional baggage
Dating again
Over the pain of mistakes
Making a new start

-Stephanie

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