Well, I have a break from homework for a bit. Time to reflect.

"Well, I still kinda like you a lot and I've been sort of avoiding you when you come over to the house and stuff because of that..."

Nate's words are still ringing in my ears. And I don't mean a mellow, golden, wedding-bell ring. Or a loud, brazen, alarum ring. More like a solemn, iron, melancholy ring.

All right, so Poe's poem doesn't stretch quite far enough for me. :)

(For the lost, see Edgar Allen Poe's poem, The Bells: http://www.bartleby.com/102/88.html.)

So anyway.

Nate's words are still ringing in my ears and they're attached to a very, very sad feeling. He wasn't pulling my strings either... He actually switched the subject after saying that, instead of drawing all the guilt he could from me. I'm impressed... I think the boy is learning... But it made me really sad, sort of, because still, after a year and a half, he still likes me so much. It's baffling, quite frankly. Not that I've had that much experience with boys, but I honestly never thought that he would still be thinking of me like that after this long. I really thought he'd move on. And I can't think what on earth is making him hang on still... Because, as he told me near the beginning of our relationship (I asked. I'm so dumb.), he had 23 "girlfriends" before me. (Junior high stuff... You know what I'm talking about.) Surely, after that many "girlfriends", you'd think he'd have moved on from me by now.

But I'm led back to what our relationship was like, and I guess I understand, though I'd think most sensitive boys would hate me, not still like me. Weird.

I know I've never, ever said much about the actual relationship in this diary, so let me put a little bit in here so you'll understand better (ah, the never-ending quest to understanding Stephanie! :) ) Now that it's been a couple of years, I'm okay with it.

Nate and I were way too emotionally intimate. (Kind of like I'm way too emotionally intimate with this diary/the people reading it, LOL. Sorry, my friends!) Nate had probably never been through a relationship with so much emotion crammed into it, yet so much positive stuff from it in spite of the fact. I know he did go through one 2-month relationship (or was it four?) with a girl who was depressed/suicidal like he was at the time, and though that relationship was crammed with emotion, it was a really bad relationship with a lot of negative stuff in it.

Our relationship really was not all that negative. We did a lot of stupid stuff, like pull too tightly on each other's heartstrings by singing romantically to each other on the phone, and having long, serious conversations I would NEVER dare to burden anyone with now--but it was not negative. That was within a year of giving my heart totally to God. I was totally in love with Him! (Like I still am!) And I was determined to share my joy with everyone, including Nate. I talked about God and His goodness a lot around Nate... God was in everything, so I couldn't help talking about Him. Especially when Nate would break my heart with stories of his thoughts from just a year preceding while he was depressed. I even wrote a poem about that..

Anyway. It was a positive relationship (though far, far too intimate for a high school relationship). God really used it to change Nate, and He changed me, too.

And I forget my point... ::scrolls up:: Oh yeah. :)

So I think that's why Nate doesn't hate me, like I assume most boys like him would. Or should. :) Seriously, I led Nate on to an awful degree... I really encouraged his thinking that we would get married, even though I didn't do it intentionally. I just wanted to be held...

Then I realized that, decided that was a dumb reason to be in a relationship, abruptly concluded that we should break up, and told Nate shortly thereafter. The stupidity didn't end there, unfortunately... But I'm not going to go into all the rest now.

I know I've said "dumb" and "stupid" a lot in describing myself. I don't hate myself, though; I just know I made some really dumb decisions--much to my annoyance. :)

I've gotten off track again. But I've gotten Nate's words to stop echoing in my head, which is what I was aiming for... Thanks for listening, once again, to my endless ramblings. :)

-Stephanie

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