"I'm trying so hard to be someone I'm not. I'm Stephanie! I feel. I feel deeply. And somewhere I've got the impression that that's bad. 'I'm a mess.' That's right. I'm a mess. When will I learn that that's okay?"

Well, I've certainly had an interesting day. Found out another friend of mine got engaged... I'll leave that to her to announce when she wishes... :) Tried to interview the Vice President of Enrollment Services at three without an appointment... Sheer brainlessness on my part, LOL... He couldn't meet till three-thirty... I decided to hang out and see if Kris, my interviewing partner, showed up. He forgot. So I just went back to the dorm and called his room and told his roommate to tell him we'd just do it another day.

Mixed feelings about the engagement. Joy at first, then later I thought about it more and got really, really sad... Then dinner came and I sat with my wingmates, but they were already done and left me, every single one of them, alone at the table. They didn't say good-bye--that was partly my fault--they just left as I returned from getting a pretty blue cupcake from the dessert table.

That's when I started to cry. Alone in the middle of a throng of people.

I decided to go somewhere else to cry. My wonderful friend Mindy saw me... I'm so glad she was there... Gave me a hug. Went on her way. Also partly my fault.

So I hid myself away in the Prayer Chapel and just had a crying session with just God. No one interrupted... No Kleenex, just my shirt sleeve. A jacket under my head, 'cause I was sick of sitting straight and just wanted to lie down and rest. I wrote a bunch on a scrap piece of paper about not being able to feel at this stupid school. No one interrupted... I felt. I was me again, for the first time in a long time.

Fifteen minutes later I was okay, packed up my stuff, didn't say good-bye to God ('cause I didn't need to; He's always there), returned to the dorm. Determined to buy some Kleenex for the Prayer Chapel, and a prayer journal for it too. Mom gave me a lot of money on my Wal-Mart card 'cause she can't find my paycheck.

So that's where I'm going now. :) Then I'm returning to "life as usual"--homework, rushing, responsibility, all of it. Then perhaps I'll return to the Prayer Chapel and let myself feel some more.

Just to feel.

-Stephanie

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