Gah. I'm going to go nuts.

Life has looked up this week, by the way; I've been a lot happier, more myself. The sun is shining and I got birthday cards and presents in the mail and even though I'm facing a lot of stress in a couple areas, things generally are better. Thank you so much for all your prayers and your notes. I really appreciate them.

Now, I just wanted to record some frustrations I'm facing right now from reading a chapter in a book called If Jesus Were A Sophomore. I do recommend this book. It has a LOT of good stuff in it, and it really challenges you--which is an awesome thing. The whole gold-being-refined bit. You understand.

Here's my refining going on--it's uncomfortable:

Response to If Jesus Were A Sophomore, chapter 4: Learning to Commit.

This chapter really bothered me--in bad ways and in good ways. One of the biggest things that stood out at me was the story about the author's Bible study group and all the questions they asked about Christians' lives and Jesus' life. It made me see how radical Jesus was and how demanding following him should be. I still haven't quite absorbed it all, but I know it scares me. I'm faced with all these contradictions. I can't see myself getting up the courage to do the things Jesus said we should do--like visiting prisons and being thankful instead of complaining about the school's food. But at the same time, I see how wishy-washy the life I'm living is. I'm terrified of being that declarative and that radical, but when I look at how un-radical everyone else is, I can't help but wonder how on earth we're accepting this lifestyle.

And yet, even as I'm writing this, I know that the chapter was written as an appeal to emotion. It was intended to work my emotions and make me feel dared to live a radical lifestyle. But popular theology today says we're not to act on emotions. Unfortunately, therein lies another contradiction. God gave us emotions. There must be some purpose to them. How do we fit emotions in to our faith?

It's all so confusing, and that's why I say this chapter really bothered me. I don't know what to make of anything; I don't know what I believe; I don't know how I'm supposed to act and I don't know where to get the answers to all this.

"The Bible" people say, but then people have different ways of interpreting the Bible! What's right and how on earth do I find it? "God will speak to you," they say. Another vague, unhelpful comment! Don't they understand that I don't get it?

I know they do, of course. I know how difficult it is to help someone in my situation, too. So right now I'm just kind of stuck.

Stuck. Stuck is a good way to describe my life in general right now. I'm stuck with my 19 credits because it's too late to drop anything. I'm stuck with all my questions right now because there aren't any answers. I'm stuck with schedule stress right now because of choir junk. Bleh. I'm just stuck, like a little kid put in time out. :P

Other thoughts before I hit the sack: In that same chapter there were questions on commitment--what commitments do I have that I am being challenged to stay committed to? I could think of four things right off the bat: a. homework, b. the "Education" part of my major, c. going to church, and d. my very beliefs. Everything is being challenged right now. Welcome to college?

With all the analyzing and critical thinking and everything that I'm doing, I feel as if I'm a piece of rubber being stretched in every direction.

Anyway. Even though it doesn't sound like it, I'm actually quite happy at the moment. I get to go to bed "early" tonight because Jenny and Mindy moved elsewhere to have their deep discussion so I could finish my theology homework. I love deep discussions, but they certainly interfere with getting homework done and going to bed! LOL.

Bed. Ah, bed. Bed is calling me. :)

Good night!

-Stephanie

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