I went to Kristi's (Nate's mom) today. It was a blessed time. I feel so safe and comfortable there... I swam in their pool. It was sooooooooo incredibly nice! I've decided I will never live without a pool in my backyard for the summertime. And I don't even like to swim! But it felt soooooo good. It was only in the 90s today (it was 110 on Monday or Sunday and 107 on Saturday), and the pool was just perfect temperature for that weather. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my afternoon.

Inevitably, Kristi and I got to talking about life and lessons and stuff, naturally leading to talking about Nate and me back when. Man... Kristi... I was really good for Nate. Really good. I totally realize that. I knew firsthand that I brought out a lot of good in him. :) Kristi's words were, "You're kind of hard to follow up."

Kristi said that she had hoped Nate had found "the one" in me. She wasn't trying to lay a guilt trip on me... Kristi wouldn't do that. All the same, I wish to heaven she hadn't said it. It was so flattering, to the depths of my soul...truly. But it came with this ache or pang that seemed to echo through a thousand years... I kind of wished things had worked out.

But when I think that, I remember why I ended the relationship. He wasn't for me. I was good for him. No denying that. But a relationship can't be one-way. Although the relationship was good for me--it taught me some valuable lessons--Nate was always the student; I was always the teacher for him. We even called each other that every once in a while, LOL. Anyway... The only way it would ever work out between us is if he found some way to teach me back.

What that conversation with Kristi told me was something I will never forget and will always hold very closely to my heart: I--just me--am good for people. Do you know that's been my deepest, deepest wish since I gave my life over to Christ? And probably even longer than that. I want to be a healing salve. I want to be healing. And to know I did that for Nate just by being me is more comforting and assuring than anything I've known.

Well, okay, I've talked on myself long enough. :) What are your gifts? What are your deepest desires? What is it you want? How can I help you find out?

I think the key to happiness in life is to find what you most deeply want, in your heart of hearts, and find ways to pursue it. I want to be healing...

-Stephanie