I taught a 10-minute lesson today to my Literature for Secondary Schools class. They were so bad! I'm not exactly aggressive and my "kids" (actually my classmates) were misbehaving like none other. It was all on purpose, of course, but wow. I sure didn't know what to do. I sounded as mean as I could but it didn't really work. I should've sent Andrew to the office, Prof. F said. Probably with him gone the "class" would've settled down a bit. Andrew's really good at acting bad.

I love acting the bad-kid part myself. I ask stupid questions. I interrupt the teacher. I giggle and don't pay attention and chatter with my friends. It's really really fun. :D I know, I know, I'm a rebel at heart and all that jazz. ;)

Today I tried to play the part of a snobby girl. Tried. I couldn't do it. I thought of all these things I could've said to Rebekah, who was my partner; I thought of flirting with the "teacher"; I thought of saying that my dad bought me nice things all the time; I tried just a few things.

It was so hard.

I can be as talkative and disruptive as anything, but when it comes to acting like that girl whose daddy gives her the world, it was well nigh impossible. It just felt so contrary to my nature. I can be pretty snobby sometimes, in my own little quiet, proud way, but that loud, flirtatious, arrogant kind of snobby? I'm sitting here shaking my head in wonder. I just couldn't do it.

I want to know why.

That wasn't actually what I came here to write, LOL. After my lesson, Prof. F gave us tips based on how I'd handled the "class", like he did with all of our lessons. The part about sending kids right to the office if they're being as bad as Andrew was is what got me. I was thinking through the discipline tactics I know of. I kept thinking of my field experience teacher last year. She was mean. Not truly, as a person, but when she was a teacher, she was mean. I saw that that's how I will probably have to be. But... Thinking of the consequences of that... Thinking of the kids muttering under their breath, "She's so mean. I hate her" and having a reputation as "the nasty teacher" spread through the hallways about me... It kills me.

I'm too sensitive. Bottom line. Blah. I've always known that; my grandpa told me all the time when I was younger. I've got to get over that somehow...

And then Prof. F said to us, "It is not true that anybody can be a teacher." It makes me question myself. Do I have what it takes to be a teacher? Can I really do this job? The doubt has really never left my mind, though my friends are surprised whenever I bring it up. In my 12th grade art class, my art professor told me I should go to an art school. I asked him what you do with that. "Be an art teacher?" I asked him.

"No," he told me. "You have to be really... I don't want to say mean, but aggressive to be an art teacher. I mean, look at the kids you get in here."

I knew he was right. I wouldn't make a good art or choir teacher, because all the easy-A students take those classes, and it must be very hard to control.

Anyway. I'm kind of rambling and not finishing any of my thoughts. My brain's a little foggy today. Bottom line: I'm scared. I don't know if I've really got what it takes to be a teacher, and I would like an honest answer from somebody, if they think I should give up on the whole teacher idea. I think Professor F would be honest with me. I just have to get up the courage to ask him...

-Stephanie

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