I need some serious, serious help... I'm losing my head over a guy. Nothing is helping. I've prayed and prayed the last few days, but thoughts of him still keep me up at night, and wake me up early in the morning. Aaah-- I'm losing sleep because of a guy! Someone help me! Oh, goodness, if I could only find something to keep my mind off him... Or if only I could find the source of this insanity and douse it out.

I still can't figure out why Logan is any different than any other guys I've known. But I've never, ever lost sleep because of a crush!! I'm freaking out about it.... What's gonna happen to me??

I wish he would stay out of my mind, but I keep turning back to his face and I keep thinking of jazz choir, and every time I think of that I think of him. I keep remembering Les Mis scenes where he sang. I just keep remembering! For once in my life I'd like to have a worse memory!

I've gotta talk to my best friend more about it. But I don't like doing that because she'll probably just call me "obsessed" like in the old days. I really, really didn't like that... Who would?

But at least now I got my yearbook so I can "see" Logan more often. For most people that'd probably make the feeling worse, but if I continue looking at the same picture over and over, memorizing it, it will lessen the feeling of being without him. Plus a picture never moves or changes expression or anything, LOL. I don't know what that has to do with it, I just know that a picture will be better than the real thing for that reason.

Ugh, unfortunately Logan's picture is right near Tim's picture... I try to forget that's there, though.

Logan had a beard thing going before and during Les Mis. He looked sooooooooo handsome with it.... But I didn't realize it fully until after he shaved it off!

Everyone was shocked! Even Mr. D.! It's so funny, because we (the jazz choir) torture him about it all the time.

Well, there's a guy in that class who takes a humorous outlook on life, and today while we were signing yearbooks (I couldn't get myself to ask Logan, someone slap me upside the head!!) I was over by them. He was talking about his picture. "I look so funny!" he said. "I had, like, not even a beard! It's like--" he demonstrated. He does look funny in the yearbook! :D But then, who am I to talk, I'm not even looking at the camera! Aggh... I hate school pictures!

Anyway, he continued, suddenly talking in an exaggerated voice and sort of glancing at Logan, "I'm soooooo glad I've got a real beard now!"

Logan just started laughing. I hadn't even realized what the guy'd been talking about yet, till Logan said, "He's trying to get me to grow back my beard," or something like that.

Man... Logan looked sooooo handsome with that beard!! But when he shaved it off--in the words of a girl in my class--"he went from looking 25 to looking, like, 12!" LOL... She bugs him about it the most, I think. Everyone bugs him, but this girl is the most outspoken one in choir. :)

Part of the reason I keep going crazy over Logan is because I keep thinking he likes ME. (Isn't that the downfall of all girls nowadays?? LOL.) I don't know why or when in the world I started thinking that... Maybe it was when I realized he was really, really cute. That's probably it. When I started liking Justin there was hardly a youth group night gone by that I didn't think I saw him looking at me! :) Funny I never seemed to notice it BEFORE I started liking him, eh?

Oh my goodness, I just remembered something I thought I heard today in jazz choir while signing yearbooks! It was sooooo funny!

Okay, background: Logan's kind of a reserved guy. Kinda like me. For example, I hate going up to people I don't know very well and asking them to sign my yearbook. :P I think Logan is the same way.

So, today in jazz choir, he didn't go up to people and ask them, he just kind of wandered around, book in hand, looking like he was waiting for people to ask to sign his, I guess.

"Logan! I want to sign yours!" one alto said. {I really don't feel like coming up with names for all these people!}

"Oh, me too!" another girl added.

I just about leapt from my seat and said, "ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!!!!" I didn't, though.... And I'm going to always kick myself for it, I'm sure! Kind of like how I want to kick myself every day for not trying out for Les Mis. GRRRR!!

Anyway. Logan started to walk over to the first girl.

And then I heard the funniest thing in the world, from one of the guys, naturally: "Notice how it's all the girls wanting to sign Logan's book?!"

I laughed out loud, with the rest of the choir. I guess I'm not alone! I thought to myself.

Arrgh! I still can't believe I DIDN'T DO IT! I should've, I should've, I should've! I wanted to pull my hair out when the bell finally rang for 5th hour to be over!

And do you know the worst part? Okay, this is probaby just my imagination, you're going to think it's really silly, but 1) I looked at Logan A LOT during the hour, catching his eye every now and then--at least I think he saw me--and I thought he looked like he wanted to sign my yearbook, too. But I NEVER ASKED!

This is why two shy people never get married, I guess.

Anyway, part 2: after class Logan usually gets out of there pretty quick. Today he stayed behind class, seeming to take extra time zipping up his backpack. I kept thinking, He's waiting, he's waiting, he's waiting for me to go up to him! But I couldn't do it!! I drive myself up a wall.

Oh my gosh, that sounds hilarious! :D

Anyway, what was the last thing I was gonna write? OH! Monday is going to take forever and ever and ever to come this weekend! Aaah!! Someone, please, please, please tell me how I can keep my mind off him... I won't sleep at all or eat much if I don't! In all seriousness, guys. It's scary.

In light of that, I think I'll explain the "Cinderella-love" in my title for this entry.

Today walking to 3rd hour I was thinking of love. I was thinking of all the stories I've ever read about teenage girls in high school-- how they lost sleep and appetite when this certain guy came along. How he seemed to be "different" than all the others they'd come across. How it was such a strong feeling. How they describe it as "being in love." And how books say it's based purely on emotion, and is in no form true love at all.

I was thinking of me and Logan.

And Cinderella and the prince came to my mind, and their little duet-type thing, "So This is Love." Love? In one night? Obviously purely based only on looks!

All these thoughts combined, and I suddenly asked myself, Is this Cinderella-love? "So This is Love" has been stuck in my head all day.

I don't want to describe myself as being in love, even in Cinderella-love. I know it's NOT any form of true love and I want to keep it there! I want to avoid wrong usage of the word "love." Then I'd be just like every single other girl in those books, who I'd rolled my eyes at so often, knowing all my book knowledge, and said, "Love! Whatever!" I don't want it to happen to me, because I don't want to BE like everyone else! I want this to be a crush, like any other crush. I don't want to get so emotionally involved, that only leads to even worse endings. I know this stuff! I've read it all the time in books. I know everything about it! So why should I have to go through it??

It's so frustrating.

Boys are just bad!

-Stephanie