That...was a lot harder than I expected it to be. And in a very different way than I expected it to be.

I went to Nate's today. I went yesterday, too, but Nate wasn't there; he was visiting friends. He's been living with his dad since September and I haven't seen him since about last June. I was excited to see him, because from talking to him on the phone, he seems to have matured so much in a lot of ways. I guess I just wanted to see if it was for real. Well, he brought his friend Netta (nickname for Jeanette) with him and they're... They like each other, pretty sure, but aren't "official" yet. Anyway, he came over to my grandma's today with Netta and we hung out and talked out on my front lawn. It was okay, even fun. Nate asked me Sunday night what I thought of Netta. I told him I like her. I do like her. She's really nice. But I have my own concerns, completely separate from Nate's parents' concerns, about their differences in faith background. I wanted to tell Nate about that, but at the time my mind was still taking in the images of Nate and her together--him teasing her, playing with her hair, all the things he used to do with me--and the words never got out of my mouth. It's difficult to get used to being on the "outside" again and re-realizing that our relationship is over. Some days it feels like it was just last year when we were together. I couldn't tell him everything I thought then and I hope next time he calls he'll ask again (that seems like something he would do) and then I can tell him everything I think.

Kristi (Nate's mom) still loves me with all her heart. I knew when I called her Saturday and she said, "Do you want to come over??" that she would say at least once, "I still think you were perfect for Nate." I love Kristi to death. She is so sweet. And Dave is so nice. I would've been happy, happy to marry into that family had Nate been the right one for me. :) But he wasn't... But they still accept me like a daughter. Anyway, I was glad to go over to her house and catch up with her. While I was there, Kristi tried--oh, she tried!--not to say it, but after I'd been there about 45 minutes, we were talking about Nate and Netta, and she blurted out, "But I still believe, Stephanie, that no one compares to you." Awww! I just had to smile. I think it's incredibly sweet that she still thinks that of me, but she does need to let me go. Or not me, per se, but just the idea of me and Nate getting back together. It's not going to happen, and it would just be easier for Kristi and Nate if she would learn to let the idea go. But I love how she and Dave still make me feel so welcome.

Anyway. I went over there today, as I said, and some of Nate's friends came over and a coworker of Dave's was over and the group of us played Mafia. :D I got Mafia the first two games! AAH! I'm a terrible liar!! My defense was terrible, but I got away with it the first two games. Then, of course, they killed me the third game because they were sure I was the mafia, LOL. Ironically, I wasn't that round. :) A-ny-way, my point was, Nate laid his head against Netta in that game and that was probably the hardest part of the night.

No--that is NOT true. No, the hardest part of the night/day was when Nate's family was "interrogating" Netta. They weren't really attacking her viciously, but she attends an LDS church, and they were d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y proselytizing and trying to convince her of the "right" way, which of course is their way, and I got SO frustrated. I just kept remembering my prayer from a month ago--"God, why can't we all just get along??" And I was having a really, really hard time. Netta handled herself well. I didn't so much. :) I had to get up and leave. The worst part was that when I attempted to leave, Kristi saw it and grabbed my arm and said in a low voice, "I think you should stay and pray that God's truth would be revealed."

Oh my gosh. Much as I love Kristi, much as I love my familiar, ultra-conservative hometown/homechurch/homefriends, that was a bit much. I had to really get a handle on my emotions in order to somewhat calmly sit myself down and say, "Okay. I can stay." But at that point Kristi saw my distress was genuine and said, "Do you need to go outside and take a walk or something?" I nodded and she let me go. Yay Kristi! I walked out the front door and started walking down the street. Why, God? Why, God? Why, God? kept going through my head, much like a scratched CD (which has now replaced the phrase "broken record" :) ), until finally I just shouted at the top of my lungs, "WHY, GOD?!" I NEVER do that. I wondered momentarily if I'd disturbed the neighbors but did not regret it. It felt great.

I couldn't go very far or be gone for very long, because we were waiting for Nate's friends and then supposedly we were going to go somewhere (we ended up staying at Nate's), but it didn't take me too long to calm down. I just needed to get out of the house where I felt all that pressure and just let off some steam. Anyway. I told Nate about it later. Kristi didn't ask. Good for her; she would've called me a heretic had she received my answer. :) Not really... But my answer would've been something like, "Well, maybe God loves everybody and wants us all to get to heaven and takes even the people with the remotest inclination toward Jesus Christ!" I don't 100% believe that, but I'm just really discouraged by the division I see everywhere in the world.

I'm not really done writing this entry yet, but I've become distracted and can't get back into the frame of mind that I was in enough to finish it up. So... Good night, all, and I hope you had a good Easter. :)

-Stephanie

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