Brief PG content.

I waited for You today
But You didn't show
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cry out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.

This Barlowgirl song has been playing in my head. It certainly goes with everything that's been going on in my head lately.

Last Friday (the 13th, ironically), I taught all day at a high school with one of my friend Bekah (not my roommate--my roommate is Becca). I had a lot of fun. My favorite part was seeing those kids' faces light up as they got into creating their own stories. It made me think twice about scratching teaching off my list for ever and always. The same thing, in fact, is what kept me going many a time when I was doubting whether or not I wanted to be a teacher. When I talk to my online friends who ask me really hard questions and explain things and they get them, I feel SO great. Anyway... So in a few years, when I'm older and more ready to teach, I think I might come back to school, do my student teaching and get my certificate. I'm just really not ready for that right now.

The hard part about that Friday actually had nothing to do with teaching, and that's what I came to write about. I don't have very long, 'cause I need to go to church, but here goes.

Amanda's last hour was her prep hour and so when we finished 5th hour, the three of us just sat and talked in her room all during her prep hour. Amanda is very, very liberal and open to talking about everything--including sex, which is the topic we happened to get onto. Amanda has her own story, and what she believes as a result of what's happened in her life is that you should live together and have sex before marriage.

Bekah and Amanda talked a lot about sex before marriage, etc., and I felt a little bit like I was being pounded with bricks. I've never been in the company of people who think SO differently than I do. I have always kept myself separate from people who think differently than I do. My associations have been mostly with my grandparents, my mom and my church friends. And the Nazarene church is one of the most conservative denominations out there. I didn't know that before this year--even before this month, actually. I was slowly realizing that by myself and when Liz, Ryan, Brooke and I went home for Easter, Liz said it out loud in the car, and it served as confirmation to me that yes, I am a member of one of the most conservative denominations in the Christian world. I'd never realized it like that before.

Since I put myself largely in the company of those who agreed with me and kept myself from the company of those who disagreed with me, I always thought, "Everyone I know thinks this way, so it must be right!" And that's what's making me cry. That was the foundation of my faith for 18 years. And then I came to college.

Even though this is a Nazarene college by name, only 50-60% of the people are Nazarene. Yeah, that's quite a high percentage, but my point was that 40-50% are NOT Nazarene. And I've been going out into the non-Christian world for field experience. So I've been amidst way more different schools of thought than I ever have been in my life. And I'm starting to realize that my grandparents weren't right about everything (but they think they are). That my church isn't right about everything (but they think they are).

Good as it is that I'm getting out of my sheltering bubble, it's really hard. I don't even want to be a part of the Nazarene church anymore because I'm so discouraged at what I have discovered. The biggest struggle for me is that they are so sure they've got it right--and they don't. Then the second biggest struggle is, "So who's right? What's right? Where's right?"

I feel so lost.

-Stephanie

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