What is wrong with me?

Okay, Cheryl just posted an entry saying exactly that...Weird.

But I am a wreck today and I don't know why. I went to bed around 2 a.m. Thursday night so Friday I was pretty tired and went to bed around midnight Friday, and then slept in till 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Saturday I went to bed early again (meaning midnight) and accidentally slept in till 9:00 (my alarm didn't go off). But then I took a two-hour nap after Sunday School. And now I feel like crying. So I ask, what is wrong with me? It's not PMS either, unless the P stands for Post.

I'm worried. I honestly think that's it. I keep learning things about Stephen that remind me of Nate. That shouldn't bother me, because Steve is a lot more mature and way more dateable (for me, and maybe for anyone) than Nate is or was. But still, the little similarities trip me up. I just hope he never tells me that he was depressed and suicidal at one point in time...

Nate said weird things. He said he wasn't just understanding of other people's feelings, but he could actually feel what others were feeling because he had such a deep understanding of them. He believed it was a kind of special power he had. It scared me that he believed he had some kind of special power.

Steve and I took personality tests (www.personaldna.com) and one part of his description says: "You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them." It sounds so close to what Nate believed about himself, and this is an objective test. It just worries me, that combined with other things Steve's told me about himself and things I've noticed about him.

My test told me I spend too much time reflecting. :)

Anyway. I learned, at least, from my relationship with Nate not to make decisions too hastily in a relationship. So I'm going to just wait.

Agh... Waiting again. Boy, I've had more practice in waiting these last three years than I ever care to have again, LOL. But it's been good for me, very good for me.

There is one comfort I take in the mdist of all my worries about Steve. Steve said once, "One day I might tell you about a relationship I had in the past" or something like that. That is way, way, way close to what Nate said a lot when we were going out ("One day I might tell you...") and that pretty much scared me to death. When Steve asked me why I was suddenly quiet (Nate used to do that too), I had to fight every single instinct rising up in me telling me to clam up or change the subject. (I had to fight myself like that a lot with Nate, too... But I do that with people in general when subjects get too close to home, so that doesn't mean much.) I managed to fumble out something like, "Nate and I talked way too much about our past, so I'm glad you aren't telling me things about your past yet."

And from there we started talking about the past more abstractly, and Steve told me something I'm not going to forget: "The past doesn't define who you are, but it does affect who you are." Nate would have said something like that too, if he knew it would comfort me, but what was different is I believed Steve. He sounded like he actually believed what he was saying, and that was hugely comforting.

Nate believed his past defined him. He was obsessed with his past. I tried to guide him away from that; that's part of what was so exhausting being with him. I was forever trying to get him to think and believe differently, to move on from his past (which, as far as I can gather, referred mainly to his depression--he was really vague about it, though, which just made it worse for me). I don't know that I ever made any progress.

So that's why it's such a giant comfort to me to hear Steve say, "The past doesn't define who you are, but it affects who you are." Thank God.

On a slightly abstract note... It's incredible what 10 years' difference can make. Steve is 10 years older than Nate was at the time I dated him, but to all appearances was a LOT like Nate 10 years ago. Steve says he has changed a ton. So it gives me lots of hope for Nate. In six years, if all goes well, he could be the person Steve is now, and that would be great.

Nate's "ghost" still haunts me a lot, obviously. I'm hoping this relationship will help me leave Nate behind, so that I can finally move on from my past. I've got a lot of growing and learning left to do... I hope Steve can put up with me through it all.

Thanks to all my friends who HAVE stuck with me through all my growing and learning. I love you guys.

-Stephanie

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