The biggest difference between Steve and Nate right now is that Steve cares about me. Nate cared about himself. It was a one-way relationship. I cared a lot about Nate, but his focus was himself, much as he claimed that he loved me.

I can only hope that this doesn't end up or become a one-way relationship the other way. I care a lot about myself right now. I care about my safety and I'm afraid to care again about someone else as deeply as I cared about Nate.

The fact that I think of Steve as "safe" is a step. And I sense or feel or think I see that he'll have ways of breaking down the old crusted walls around my heart. Gentle ways.

Oh God, I need Your gentle ways. I need Your careful hands. I need Your caring touch. I've built up walls, big ones. I need You to gently break them away so the caring in my heart can be free to shine again. You created me to be a sensitive, caring person and while I've discovered that more and more in the last 3-4 years, I've discovered more and more how much I've tried to cover it up and hide it. I haven't cared about others as much as I could because I don't want to take the risk of getting hurt again. So I need You. I need Your touch.

God, as deeply hurt as I am, only You can really heal me properly. I need more than a bandaid. I need healing that can penetrate the wound all the way down to the source. I need deeper healing that only You know the extent of.

Dear God, please...please heal me.

Your dear child,
Stephanie

~*~

I'd say Nate took advantage of how much I cared about him and used it against me when I was breaking up with him. The crying, the hurt voice, the desperation, the blaming himself. Himself, himself, himself. Nate cared too much about himself even to direct his hate to me. I think he may have known that it would hurt me more to see him blaming himself than it would to hear him blaming me. So that's what he did.

I think that may be the deepest form of betrayal and most painful form of hurting someone there can be.

Or maybe I haven't known a lot of betrayal. :) Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

All I know is, right now I'm really concerned about me. About my safety. And I know I need God a lot right now to get completely over that. He's the only one that can heal some parts of me.

-Stephanie

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