HOLY COW.

Um...Actually, I don't think I can say anymore than that right now.

---

Okay, I am calm and reasonable and can talk about it now. :)

For the last 2 weeks or so, Steve and I have been dancing around the subject of marriage. We've talked about marriage abstractly, but only dropped hints about marriage between the two of us. It was driving me crazy and it was probably driving him crazy too. I wanted him to bring it up, but he was afraid to bring it up, because he knows I am scared to talk about it. But last night I finally decided to bring it up... Gosh, I wish I could remember how the conversation went exactly. The way it all started was he said something about seriously dating. And so I picked up on that little phrase, which has been bugging me for several weeks. I remember bits and pieces of the conversation, but not the complete thing...Grr. But anyway, here's the things I remember:

• (Me) "So... Seriously dating. That means considering marriage, right?"
• (Me) "Is it too soon to be talking about this--marriage--between me and you?"
• (Steve)"I know you say that you haven't planned your wedding at all, until recently... I'm guessing that was pertaining to me."
  (Me)"Well, yeah, but I also meant over the last three years...Being at a Christian college...People getting married right and left...Going to weddings...But yeah."
• (Steve) "Why are you afraid to talk about it?"
  (Me) "Marriage is a big change. I've never been too fond of change, especially big ones. All the uncertainty about it."
• (Steve) "We've been dancing around the subject, and I was starting to wonder when we'd talk about it. Some of the things you said..."
• (Me) "Where do you stand?"
  (Steve) "Do you really want to know?"
  "Oh no. Do I? I don't know. Um... I already asked. Yes."
  "You can take it back."
  "No, I will go c-r-a-z-y! I've already been going crazy. I've been wondering this for a while."
  "I've...seriously considered proposing."

SPEECHLESS.

I couldn't breathe or speak or anything for a while after he said those words... "I've...seriously considered proposing." I was thunderstruck. I knew that would be his answer, but the way he said it just...absolutely floored me. I could not speak. I did my best, 'cause I knew it was difficult for him, not seeing my face and my expression and my reaction. But I literally couldn't think in anything but feelings for several minutes--and incredibly intense ones at that.

And what did I feel? Absolute elation. Astonishment. Wonder. Incredulity. But indescribable joy.

And this wasn't even the actual proposal! :D Gosh, when he actually does propose...Oh my gosh, I can't believe I just said that and meant it for real...I don't know what I'm going to do! LOL. But at least he'll be able to see my face. :)

After I got enough over the shock, I managed to say, "That's really good to know. That's really good to know. That's awesome to know." With all the suppressed happiness I could muster. (Suppressed because I didn't want to shriek into the phone. ::grin::) But I REALLY felt like burying my head in my pillow and giggling and squealing for joy like a schoolgirl. So I told him that (at least the burying my head part ;) ) and put the phone down for a minute and buried my head into the pillow and giggled my little incredibly happy heart out. :D

After that, it was kind of fun. The ice was broken and we were both laughing and laughing with no particular reason other than the sheer giddy happiness of it all. WOW. I'm going to get married. I can't believe it.

So I haven't been able to stop thinking about wedding stuff OR stop smiling all day. All of a sudden this marriage thing is REAL and staring me in the face, and so my brain is like, 'OH NO! I have to start making decisions NOW!!" I know that I don't have to make decisions NOW, but I'm going to get me a head start, let me tell you. I don't think it'll be much of a head start, but the get-everything-just-right part of me is already panicking that I won't be able to decide on things in time, LOL. Sheesh.

One of the hugest things I've been pondering/contemplating is WHEN do I want to be proposed to? (AAH!!!) And when do I want to get married? I know my four preferences for months: February, April, Setember or October. I would LOVE to be proposed to in February or April and get married in September or October. The other way around would be cool too... It's about 6 months' difference either way. But I know, or at least I'm told, that 6 months is probably not enough time to make all the little decisions involved in planning a wedding. :( So...I'm not sure what'll happen. But those are my four preferences. December almost makes the list. I would love to get married around Christmastime. I love my church around Christmastime...The decorations are sooooooooo pretty! But then you always run into conflicts with Christmastime. So I'm not sure about that one yet...But wow, would that be beautiful! I could do white and silver and gold... Good grief. I better not get off on colors. I am SUCH a color person. I'm afraid I'll never be able to decide. But maybe when this becomes a little bit more real (like when I'm actually engaged?! LOL!), decision-making will come easier.

Okay... I should get to my homework. I don't have too much tonight, thank goodness. I can't concentrate on anything, LOL.

Good night everybody!!

-Stephanie

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