I know I just changed my layout, but this one is evergreen--not geared toward seasons. :) I'll keep working on it. Right now I have to do my homework before Stephen calls.

---

Abandoning homework for the moment. Something came up.

I just heard the most shocking words from Kevin: "It's like we've been engaged for a month." Jenny told me Kevin and Allison were on the same track as me and Stephen, but hearing it straight from his mouth--however indirectly (he was talking to someone in front of me)--shook me to the core. I'm now trying to figure out why that shook me up so bad. Maybe I was wrong, keeps running through my head. And then, How can this be happening? And then, He better not get engaged before me! Aye yi yi... I don't know what's going on... But that really, really shook me up. Even though I kind of knew from Jenny's report.

He was a jerk to me. And to every other girl before Allison. How could that just magically change in an instant?

I feel like going to Kevin and saying arrogantly, "Well, I'm getting engaged too, and I'm way more mature than you!" Which is completely immature.

Why do I deal with all this insecurity about him?

Okay, so why am I feeling like I need to one-up Kevin?

OH my gosh. That's just it. I want to one-up him. Well, now I've put a label to that feeling... My next question is, is that okay? That I feel indignant and want to prove I'm just as good as he is, if not better?

I can't get myself to think of Kevin as mature enough for marriage. I just can't shake that idea.

And a little bit of my you're-making-a-big-mistake-I-want-to-keep-you-from-getting-hurt-or-hurting-people attitude.

Oh gosh. I just don't know what to do or think or say.

But Steve's calling in 15 minutes, so I've got to get home.

AAH! Shaking! Geez...

---

Well, he's engaged.

As horrible as this is, it was really comforting that when I mentioned it to my roommates they all cringed. :) The best part is that they aren't even aware of what happened between him and me! It made me laugh and lifted a little bit of weight off my shoulders to see that I'm not the only one that doesn't think he's being wise...

They'll be okay, I think.

But he seriously needs to grow up. She, fortunately, is a very strong girl and will help him do that.

I just hope she is happy...

-Stephanie

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