HOLY COW! This is certainly the year for engagements! A whole ton of people got engaged over Thanksgiving break, and a whole bunch more got engaged the weekend after! And the latest one that prompted this entry is LOGAN. The one I used to have a huge crush on!! He's engaged now. There's something about those guys you used to be in love with (ha!) where it hits you extra hard. I am so happy for him--he really deserves it--but WOW. Nuts...

One thing to understand about me in trying to understand my astonishment: I never wanted to grow up. When I was 9, I stayed up one night crying because I didn't want to be 13 and turn into a "girly girl" who liked boys and wore make-up and went shopping.

Quit laughing.

::bursts out laughing::

Yeah...That was me. :D

All through junior high and high school I was torn between wanting to be grown-up and not wanting to leave my childhood behind. Even now, in my last year of college, I'm still in the middle of that tug-of-war. I don't suppose I'm still a child at heart, I suppose I'm very grown-up at heart, but I don't want it to be true... Here I stand at the threshold of adulthood and I'm scared to death. I think at heart I'm ready to cross that line and become a responsible adult, but the issue at the bottom of it all is that I don't want to be ready to be grown up yet.

So perhaps that makes it easier to understand why I get bowled over every time one of my friends gets engaged. Are we really old enough to be getting engaged? Aren't we still kids playing princesses in the field at recess? Aren't I still that lonely little girl standing outside after lunch, confused that "recess" is no longer a concept, trying to figure out which group to half-heartedly join? Aren't I still that freshman in high school talking about crushes in giggling whispers to my friends at sleepovers? Aren't I still that 16-year-old trying to teach herself how to make it through a day without wanting to kill her sibling?

I don't know that there's a resolution to this, it's just kind of words on paper (digital paper). I've been dealing with a LOT of change this year and even this semester. Everything's shifting and I'm just hanging on as tight as I can to hope till everything settles back into place....

-Stephanie

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