Because...I don't feel like retyping everything all over again.

From a letter to my counselor:

It's the end of the semester, and the last few weeks of a semester are ALWAYS difficult, but I've been through 6 other end-of-the-semesters and have never had this difficult of a time. And this semester I have less credits than I've ever had, so that doesn't make sense either. I'm trying to figure out if something's wrong with me, if I've got SAD or something, or if I'm just having a hard time because of where I'm at in life right now (i.e., lots and lots of changes going on).

For the last couple weeks I've been really down. It hit me kind of halfway through the week after Thanksgiving break, I guess, and I haven't been able to get out of it yet. I thought it was just because I miss Steve--but now things are getting tense with him. The last couple of times he and I have talked (specifically, yesterday and Friday) we've had some really tough conversations centering around me needing space/time away from him. I haven't been exactly kind in bringing up that I'm starting to feel smothered by him. (I haven't used the word "smothered" with him, but that's been in my mind the whole time.) The feeling smothered is a whole separate topic and not the one I'm trying to address here, so I'm going to skip it for now for the sake of sticking to my original topic. (I'm much more to-the-point when I'm writing than when I'm talking. :) )

The issue I'm talking about right now is that I feel like I'm going through a lot of unexplained emotional chaos. I'm not handling conflicts in my relationship with Steve well, which makes me feel like I'm hurting our relationship, which makes me wake up in the morning feeling like the world's crappiest (excuse the term) girlfriend ever, which just adds to the downward spiral of everything. And the one thing I really want to work is suffering the most from all this stuff going on.

From a letter to Steve:

I think I might be suffering a little from depression--the seasonal-affective type that I mentioned earlier. It occurred to me about a week or two ago that I might be suffering from it--I think I even mentioned to you once. And this really down feeling hasn't let up like I hoped, thought, or expected it would. So I e-mailed my counselor and asked her for a kind of informal evaluation. I'm also going to talk to my mom and maybe my aunt.

The good news is that it could be that the recent tension in our relationship hasn't been either of our faults. Wouldn't that be a nice relief? :) Both of us tend to be the self-blaming types, I think. So I'm kind of hoping that SAD really is the problem, and that'll make life easier for the both of us. :P

That pretty much says it all for now.

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023