I suppose all couples go through this. Maybe they don't all put it online though. :P

---

I am FRAZZLED today. All because of counseling.

I guess it's doing something good for me because it feels so uncomfortable.

First, disclaimer: I am not crazy. I'm taking counseling as a kind of precursor to marriage. I think it'll do me some good--and I think it has. But it took me... Gosh, 8 appointments to finally get there.

We talk about me not expressing my deeper feelings a lot. It's something I do struggle with, I must admit--at least in day-to-day life. And today we talked about it in relation to me and Stephen.

I'm feeling particularly frazzled today because I really want to talk some things out with Steve, but I can't call him. He's not even off work right now. So here we go... An imaginary conversation.

"I can't stop feeling guilty for hurting your feelings Saturday!"
{confused} "You didn't hurt my feelings..."
"But I feel like I did! Wait, that's not the place to start. Let me start here. I feel really guilty because I got cranky at you on the phone Saturday night."
"You don't need to..."
"Stop saying what I want to hear. Did you or did you not get your feelings hurt from me clipping at you like I did?"
"Yeah, it hurt me a little bit."

Oh, that would help me so much just to hear.

"Okay. Now I can stop torturing myself with not knowing whether or not your feelings got hurt. They did. So let's deal with that. I'm sorry."

And where would I want it to go from there?

Say I didn't actually hurt his feelings. It feels like there's no way on earth--

"Honey, I feel like when I'm tired and need to get off the phone, I'm going to hurt your feelings."
"Because you're tired and need to get off the phone?" He would laugh, almost scoffingly. It is rather preposterous, I know...
"Well... I can't ever find a good way to let you know without saying, 'I don't feel like talking to you anymore.' That's a terrible thing to say."
But it's not, because it's true. He needs to realize and accept and be okay with the fact that sometimes I don't want to talk to him anymore.
So that's not my problem?

The other thing that's bugging me is that he overdoes everything. I tell him one thing that makes me happy and he does it and does it and does it until it has no meaning anymore. I would REALLY like to get that straight with him. That's actually what's making me angry/irritated/frazzled right now. He ruined a perfectly sweet thing to say by putting it on his Facebook status, a MySpace bulletin, a comment on my page, a text on my phone--ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't he understand that overdoing a thing ruins it?! Oh, how I wish I could get that cleared up with him once and for all. He's done it so many times. Oh, Stephen, please, please, please don't be so damn predictable.

That's the other thing. He's so predictable. It is seriously starting to drive me crazy. It's completely taking the romance of our relationship. Everything is expected now. You have NO idea how much that ruins the romance. And I have no idea how to convey the idea to Stephen. Especially since I typically like things predictable and trustworthy. Know what I mean? I like things to stay the same--I don't like things to be unexpected, to change unpredictably. But this is SO different. The sheer unexpectedness is what MAKES the romance.

I've been trying to tell him this since the beginning, at least since things started being way too predictable. He's done okay. But it takes telling him, and retelling him, and retelling him.

I suppose it would be best to just be straightforward and TELL him already that he's going to drive me up a WALL if this keeps up. But I so hate being straightforward! But today in counseling (tying it back to that, haha!) she said I am not responsible for Stephen's feelings. Stephen is responsible for Stephen's feelings.

"You have got to stop being so predictable."
Should I add anything to that? I'm not entirely sure how to add to it. I can't explain, quite, why it bugs me so much. But maybe he'll understand that.

Good news: It's snowing again on Tuesday (gag me), but it's getting WARMER in the next week!! Highs in the 40s!! Thank the blessed Lord. I am SO TIRED of winter.

Today it was sunny. It was so nice. :)

-Stephanie

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