There has been so much going on. I've been avoding writing in here. I just don't want to put it all in one spot, 'cause then I'll have to face it all.

Stephen's parents are moving the week after next week. Although I'm doing better, my heart still feels like there's a lot of heaviness on it. I'm so afraid of being left alone. I can't even explain. I adore Margie and Steve. I love Jon and Cari and Nate. The fact that they won't be at that house, 5 minutes away, that somebody else will be living there in place of them...It feels like somebody is boring holes in my heart and I wonder what I did to deserve this.

My heart says that when they move, it won't just be physical distance. Physical distance leads to emotional distance. Life changes lead to relationship changes. I used to feel close with so many people. People I still think about. Rhonda. Angela B. Angela W. Beth. Jenny. Becca. Melanie. The people at the swing dancing place. Ed and Tena. My grandparents. Kelly. Adrien. Stephen's parents' moving is another change and it's going to change our relationship too. Every change feels like a major loss.

Someone told me that this doesn't mean they love me less. I know that. But I don't feel it. When I don't see people, I don't feel loved.

Unfortunately, my friends' lives don't revolve around me anymore. They probably never did, LOL, but I guess I always assumed they did.

A quote I'm trying to hang on to is that the only way to make my life less painful is to make it less about Stephanie. I know he's right (my fiance).

How do you know somebody loves you? Comes down to if you're more of a feeling person or a thinking person, I guess. I'm more of a feeling person and I don't feel loved if I don't FEEL it emotionally, and I feel love in my own unique way. My first love language is physical touch. So physical distance=feeling less touch=feeling less love. That's why I don't feel loved when I don't see people.

Okay, so everything makes sense on that base. But there's also a boundaries question here. How much do I need to be loved? I mean "need" like, where is the line between feeling loved enough and expecting too much from people who have lives that don't revolve around you?

-Stephanie

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