I need to write this in here before I write it to Stephen.

Our first anniversary is coming up (just over 2 months), and Stephen and I have been talking about plans.

In the past (almost) 10 months of not having a job and not having a wedding to plan, I've had a lot of time to think and weigh and evaluate a lot of things. My attention strays from marriage to family to God to my life, but I've spent enough time thinking about our relationship that I've realized that the things that were supposed to be the most romantic milestones in our life did not meet my expectations. Ever since Stephen went to talk to my mom to ask if he could marry me, things have been "off" in my romance-weighing scales.

Before I go on, I should say that I'm not looking at this as if it's Stephen's fault. It's not. I'm not sure it's anybody's fault. I'm just trying to see why things are this way.

So, I have felt like my romantic expectations haven't been met and I'm trying to figure out why. Is it because they are too romantic? Am I not looking at reality enough? In the back of my head, my mother's voice says angrily, "Life isn't fair! You can't always get what you want." It was something she said often in our growing up. Looking at it from such an objective standpoint, I realize that she may not have been saying it to us, but to herself. (I wish I knew how to have that conversation with her.) She certainly hasn't been treated fairly. But growing up with those words continually ringing in my ears, my ideas about life are skewed and confused. Can a person ever get what they want? When is it okay to expect to get what you want and when is it not?

Wow, I just realized I really need to talk to my mom about this. I need to have a heart-to-heart with her. She's uncomfortable with those, LOL, but she lets them happen when her daughter expresses that they're needed.

So this is why I journal before I send messages. :) I'll talk to my mom before I continue planning with Steve for our first anniversary.

The issue was, though, that I want something romantic (read: somewhat expensive) and Steve isn't sure we can afford something romantic.

So talking with my mom tomorrow. Okay.

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support.

-----------------------------------------------------

Edit: I thought I would clarify something for my friend %%lindzeeleigh%%, and for anybody else who was thinking along the same lines. I'm not as shallow as I believe I came across. It's not that I need expensive stuff to make me happy, but I need something that has deep, personal, emotional meaning to me. And Stephen doesn't know me well enough yet to know what those things would be. And he doesn't pick up on small cues very well, because he's a big-picture, logical guy. It takes a detail-oriented, sensitive guy to pick up on those things, and we've only been married for 10 months. I can't exactly tell him, "Stephen, this is what I want you to do on our anniversary. It will have deep, personal, emotional meaning to me if you do these things." So my default solution for this situation is to go to a place where romance will be virtually forced upon us, like a bed & breakfast. It doesn't even have to be the most expensive one--just the most romantic one. I don't know if that makes any more sense. I hope it does. Anyway, this frustration and wall-hitting goes deeper than just wanting stuff we can't afford. I just want romance and Stephen isn't yet equipped enough to know what that means. I'm not even articulate enough to tell him what that means. So...I'm stuck. I guess that's as much as I can say without repeating myself over and over again. :P

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023