RAWR! URGH! Why is this still going on?!!!

Phew. Okay. Sanity.

Ugh. Steve and I have still not reconciled our theological differences, if that's the word for them. I am still an emotions-driven person and he is still a logic-driven person. GRR. And I know it's completely useless for either of us to try and change into the other, so we're just still trying to live with the differences. Rawr.

Keith Getty is a worship music writer. He co-wrote the words to the song "In Christ Alone" with Stuart Townend. I just read on a website that he's rejected requests multiple times to change the line that says, "And on the cross where Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied."

Stephen was just home for work and I was talking to him about worship music and such, and I saw that line on the website as we were talking. Personally, I find that line unnerving myself, although I am sort of beginning to understand why it's there. Sort of maybe. As in maybe if we attend Countryside for another two years I'll finally understand, but for now I'm still caught in the middle, grappling with it.

So I mention to Stephen that I find that line unnerving myself, which was a really dumb move, because he can't resist to make yet another attempt to explain it to me. UGH! Whenever he tries to explain the wrath of God to me, I just get angry at him for trying--for not understanding that I do NOT need it explained to me, because, as I interrupted his explanation to say: "I hear this preached EVERY SUNDAY." It is NOT that I haven't heard it, for goodness' sake. It isn't that I haven't had it explained to me. How long have I been going to Countryside? Two years. Two years, and I hear it explained to me EVERY Sunday I'm there, which makes about 100 times that I have heard God's holiness and our sinfulness preached to me. Every single Sunday Paul tells us that we should consider ourselves soooooooo lucky because we are all such horrendous sinners and God is not at all inclined to have a relationship with us, his own creation, without Christ the mediator. Yeah, we screwed ourselves over, we hear that too. But we also hear that God is a sovereign God and NOTHING happens apart from his direction. So is he the one that made us screw ourselves over, I ask them, and what answer do I get? No! Yeah, that makes SOOOOOOO much sense. (sarcasm!) Oy.

So as we're saying goodbye for him to go back to work after our little spat, he tells me, "I thought you understood this already." Ugh. What in the world makes him think...#%#*$@*&! Utter frustration at his inability to understand who I am. No matter how many times I tell him it takes YEARS of back-burner mulling-over for me to wrap my mind around difficult things like this, he is always forgetting this. I do not process things in front-burner style; my diary is testimony to this, for goodness' sake. I so just wish he could remember this! Oy.

Anyway. Anyway. Calming down.

Utter frustration, I tell you.

"I thought you understood this already." It just makes me sigh deeply now. No, Stephen, no. I have told you before, and I'm telling you again, it takes me time to process things. Lots and lots of time. And because I mostly process in a back-burner fashion, he does not see the processing and therefore assumes that I have accepted his belief system and no longer need to process it. No indeed, I say! So when it comes up again he's all confused and it's so completely frustrating. :((

Super sad face. I just wish so much that we magically understood each other. I love my husband so much, but I hate this process of sorting each other out, and I just wish it didn't take so dang long! :(

I am seriously so sad now. I love you, honey, and I hate this. Please just be patient with me, and be patient with me, as we wait on God's own clarification and wisdom. Someday He'll open our eyes and we'll see as clearly as He does. Right, honey? You always tell me that. <3 Hugs.

-Stephanie

(Stephen doesn't actually read this blog, but sometimes it makes it easier for me to think/write TO him to process through my feelings.)

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