I just don't understand, Diary.

I really wanted that floral delivery job.

What is God's plan for me?

Target called. They have the most awful shifts open. 4:30 AM to noon, and 5:00 PM to 11:30 PM. If I took the latter, I'd never see Stephen. If I took the former, I'd either be dead to the world at work or I'd have to go to bed an hour after Stephen got home.

This just sucks.

I REALLY wanted that floral delivery job. Really badly. For so many reasons.

Stephen's mom says she knows God has something better planned for me. But Target is my only other bite right now, and I really don't see how that would be better. Not seeing my husband is not my idea of better, especially since our current small group study is "Your Time-Starved Marriage."

Yeah, I just don't see this happening.

What is this job-hunt business crap anyway? Where are America's freaking priorites? Obviously not with family.

My mother. Sigh. When I was still living with her and looking for a job, her constant message to me was, "You will take anything that comes your way. It does not matter what the hours are like. You will take whatever they give you." And I still have that mantra etched into my mind. To couple with it, I have Stephen's worries about money, how we're going to afford a house, how we're going to pay off our loans, etc. etc. backing Mom's mantra up.

But where's the line? Is paying off student loans and bills more important than seeing my husband? More important than getting sleep? Mom, what do you have to say to this, I wonder?

I'm contemplating calling her. I haven't even got the job with Target yet. In fact, they can't even schedule me for an interview yet. The girl told me she would have to give me a call back to see when they could "fit me in."

God, what is your plan here? Do you plan on me being jobless clear up until December, the month before we can't defer our loans any longer? Do you plan on me getting a job at all?

I keep wondering that. The only reason I want a job is for the money, but I absolutely cannot get myself to apply for fast food places. Ever again.

The reason I want to be a florist is not for the money. It's because I love flowers and I love making people happy.

That's it, I'm just going to start arranging and donating arrangements to places randomly.

...And my practical side says, "Stephanie, where are you going to get the money to buy the flowers to arrange every week?"

Is there anything more I need to say?

-Stephanie

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