Several things colliding in my head. I spent a lot of yesterday looking up Donald Miller stuff, thanks to an advertisement on Facebook for Donald Miller's new video series, Convergence. (It's a small group discussion video series, where he talks with other Christian authors, like Henry Cloud, John Townsend, and Dan Allender.) I found out he's written several more books since I last checked up on him: Father Fiction, also published as To Own a Dragon, and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I was also listening and reading about Brandon Heath. I found out both guys that I admire had father issues. Donald Miller never had a dad around, and Brandon Heath's parents divorced when he was young and he never forgave his dad (his mother later remarried).

So I was thinking a lot about father issues yesterday, and about Donald Miller. Here, I'll just write what I wrote in my paper-and-pen diary today:

Steve and I had another good conversation yesterday. This one was about fatherlessness. I discovered yesterday that Donald Miller has also written a book about growing up without a dad, and a book about making your life a story with direction and purpose.

I discovered the second book first, and all the reviews praised it in the way of "A more mature Donald Miller writes with purpose," since his books are usually rambling and a bit inconclusive, I've found.

I think he wrote Father Fiction before A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I gather that his Father Fiction book will be more like his early works: rambling, inconclusive. More a commentary on how the world is instead of actions to take about it (I stole that from a review). And as I unwound this in my mind, the strand crossed with another from a separate belief/perception: that Christian nonfiction books should be conclusive and have resolution--usually with God in one way or another. My perception of how Donald Miller's book should end, then, was something like, "God healed my heart completely of the painful void that fatherlessness created."

And all of a sudden I wondered. Should all Christian nonfiction books end with resolution, thanks to God? Are there some things in this life that never get resolved, even with God in the picture?

I had to ask Stephen. "Honey," I said, "can a person ever truly be healed from fatherlessness?"

He wanted to know what I meant.

"Like...Is it ever as if your fatherless childhood did not exist, or was replaced by a better one?"

Stephen thought I was mainly asking for myself, which wasn't true. But he ended up giving me a very good analogy.

"You know that when I as born, part of my brain didn't develop naturally, because I stopped breathing for a few minutes and my brain was deprived of oxygen."

I did know this.

"And because of that, I learned to walk differently than other kids."

Yes, I knew that, too.

"I did learn to walk. I learned later in life than most kids, and I learned to walk differently. I did learn to walk, but because of my peculiar circumstances, I will always walk a bit differently."

It was a great analogy. So there are some things about me that will always be "different" than other kids who grew up in two-parent homes. They are the mark left by my peculiar circumstances.

May 6: I know one of those "symptoms" of fatherlessness is my insecurity, especially around men. We continued this conversation last night. One of the phrases I read in just the snippets I saw of Father Fiction that stuck is when Donald Miller observes that being fatherless might be harder on women than men--"to never hear from your father 'You're beautiful.'" That phrase has been constantly ringing in my ears. How would I have been different if I had heard that as a girl?

I mulled this question over with Stephen last night. A lot more was going on in my head than I was letting him know, though. I feel like if I had been told "You're beautiful" by my father as a little girl, or by any trustworthy father figure, I don't think I would be nearly as insecure. It's something about hearing it as a little girl from your daddy, at the place in life where everything Daddy said was true. You'd have to believe it. Little girls can't do anything else. And I would have grown up thinking inwardly, "I'm beautiful" and not being pushed every which way by the opinions of others.

Does that make any sense?

For years I have been trying to sort out this "fatherlessness" thing, and how it has impacted my life. I think I'm finally, finally starting to comprehend it. Donald Miller's book started the journey, so I'm intent on getting it. I feel like I'll learn more from him than I did in what I read of A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart before I gave it to Sam. That book was for healing AFTER you start to realize what you missed out on by not having a dad; I haven't yet realized what I've missed out on. So that step first.

This is kind of a rambling blog, but I have more to write in another one, that's why I'm hurrying to wrap this one up.

-Stephanie

By the way, I don't think I've mentioned in here yet that I will be delivering flowers as extra help for Mother's Day tomorrow and Saturday. YIKES! And at the same time OH MY GOSH YAY!

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