Rough weekend. I feel pretty flattened emotionally, but I also feel like I matured this weekend.

On Saturday after a full day with small group friends, Steve and I had a good talk about me feeling friendless amongst the small group, for various reasons, one of which is the fact that four out of six couples in the groups are either thinking about having kids, trying to have kids, or have a kid. Rachel has some convincing of her husband to do before they start trying, but she has baby fever for sure.

I cried a lot. Stephen said he's never seen my face that red from crying, LOL. We got a lot said between us. I've been keeping so much inside. Anyway, after that talk I feel quite exhausted.

Then today I went to a meeting for some volunteer work I do. I talked to the other volunteers there, some of which have known me for the year I've been working there. I had to tell everyone the story of my unemployment, and talk about it in even more detail with two of the people I knew there, and it was the worst reminder ever that I am, yes, still unemployed after two years, and with a college degree in something I love but am not looking for careers in. It sucks.

I came back pretty discouraged. I felt better after explaining to Stephen how much I hate having to tell and retell the story of my unemployment. I told him something very important: "I feel like every time I tell that story, my grandpa is looking back at me through their eyes with disappointment in his eldest granddaughter." I don't know if Grandpa is really disappointed with me. I don't really want to know, because I know he is so easily disappointed in people. He has such high expectations, which makes him a very honorable, virtuous man, but it makes him a tough grandpa and dad sometimes. I think I've addressed this before.

The other thing I've been dealing with is learning about finances. Yeesh. Hasn't that been an ongoing lesson. Week before last, Steve and I decided to try and do shopping in a more organized fashion. Instead of buying 2 things at a time at random times throughout the week, we would do one big shopping trip for groceries we foresaw that we would need that week. So we did that, and the bill was a bit shocking to me (although considerably less than normal families, I suppose, because there are only two of us). The shock was good for me. It is good for me to see how much money it takes to live. My sister and I both struggle with this--Sam had her lesson once when Mom worked for a long-term temporary nursing position 4 hours away from their house, and left my sister $50 bills around the house to feed herself with. At the end of the nursing position, my sister told my mom, "Man, it takes a lot of money to feed me!" What a good lesson for her! Now I am learning a similar one.

Speaking of lessons learned and my sister, I've taken to gently teaching her lessons about marriage relationships. In my last letter to her, I told her about how I have learned how difficult I am to live with, and how incredibly patient and loving Stephen really is with me. I said a few other things, just to gently tell her that marriage is not about you changing the other person, it's about you changing yourself. I feel good about doing that, because I feel I am slowly preparing her for marriage someday. It's an awesome feeling.

Another cool update about how I am growing: When I was a teenager, I was FULL of questions about God and faith. FULL of them. My best friend's dad (Ed) remembers that very well about me. I was always the one asking, "Well, why did Jesus do that?" or "What does that mean, exactly?" I stumped him and impressed him often.

One of the "side effects" or telling signs of the agnosticism when I was dealing with it was that my questions stopped altogether. It was because I felt like there were no answers and it was absolutely pointless to pursue them or even hope for them. Well, last week I started asking questions again. ;)

I could write about a lot of things having to do with my faith that are improving, or returning to what they were before college hit. It's really encouraging. But Steve and I have to go to small group in just a few minutes here. :P I'll just say them shortly: one is analogies and metaphors, and one is just looking deeper into my faith (which manifests itself in the asking of tough questions, among other things). It's so encouraging to me that I am starting to break through the dark again. It's wonderful.

-Stephanie

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