From MySpace:

I hate change. I hate change in relationships.

My friend Rachel is pregnant.

It is so hard to be happy for people when I know the change in their life means a big change in our relationship. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LEAVING?!!!!

As Stephen and I have discussed, my problem is that once people move on to a different stage of life than I am in, I feel unable to relate to them anymore. Or once people move away. If anything changes, my brain sets off this alarm that says a relationship is ending. Or a level of intimacy. It utterly sucks. Utterly.

I feel sort of betrayed, which is ridiculous. Rachel never knew I felt this way about her--like she was the only person in the group I could relate to, like we could be "bosom friends" if we just moved past caution a bit.

And now she's leaving. LEAVING. Leaving me. And she doesn't know it.

I never tell people how I feel about them. I think it's because of this. I think it's because I expect it to end. I expect to feel a threat to the attachment at some point, and once I feel the threat, I leave. Diary, it is so much easier to be the LEAVER than the LEFT. And it's so much easier to leave when people don't know how I felt about them.

I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like making the pain stop. I feel like running away. I feel left.

Did you know this? Chances are you didn't. Guess what? Been this way my whole life. IT SUCKS.

A couple of my other friends are pregnant, and their announcement didn't hit me this hard, because I didn't feel as close to them, as emotionally bonded with them, as I did with Rachel. And I knew they were older and had been married longer and already had it on the horizon when they came into my life. Rachel and Ethan have only been married a year longer than us and I felt they were in relatively the same place as we were. And then Rachel started talking baby talk. I had a bad feeling it would come, and it still hit me this hard. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I feel so blindsided. I feel these ways because I hadn't realized it would come this soon.

I felt a twinge this way when Sara and Jason got pregnant. I hadn't expected it, but again, I never had it set in my head that we were in the same place as they were. They were a step ahead of us when they came into our lives. I felt the twinge, though, because I liked Sara and was sad we hadn't gotten a chance to have a closer friendship start, really; it wasn't even on the horizon, but I liked her.

Stephen just mentioned something I think is valuable. Rachel and Ethan never confided to us that they were trying. That wasn't the case with our other friends (who I am not mentioning by name because they are not very far along yet and have not announced it to many. Even though none of you know them or will ever know them, probably, I feel I should respect their wishes). They told us the whole story. We knew it was coming.

Stephen says that perhaps they are even surprised and weren't actually trying. Maybe. But Rachel's last few months of baby-craziness definitely does not affirm that belief very strongly.

I'm beginning to feel better. Thank God for blogging. This is not going to be easy, but now that I've let out all my crazy emotions I feel much better. I still think I'm going to cry sometime this weekend when we go camping with them. This is so unfair. So unfair, my heart says. So unfair and hurtful. How could they?

My poor beloved friends. If they knew my crazy ups and downs about them. *heavy sigh*

Dear Lord in heaven, please be with me this weekend. This week. Please heal my heart. Please help it not feel so broken. Oh God, please bring me friends who will stay. Please bring me friends who won't leave. I pray for this so often. God, I have so little confidence in any of my loved ones' staying ability. I don't think they hate me. I don't think they dislike me. I just feel like I'm not worth enough. Not worth enough to keep them here. I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing it's irrational and yet not being able to fix it. I hate my heart's way of messing with me. I hate not knowing why I feel this way so deeply. I hate always blaming it on my lack of dad. I want real answers, God, with real evidence. I want to KNOW why this happens and why I have to deal with it. I want to know, God, your purpose in putting me through this. Because, God, I know that you have a reason for everything. At least I have faith that that's true, because it's the only thing that keeps me going. And I think that's what the Bible means when it says you work everything for good. I sure hope so. Oh, God, please come down to me, me of little faith. Please, Lord. I need you. Really bad. Right now. Please come down. In your precious name I pray, Lord Jesus, Amen.

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