Dear Godly Men of a Previous Generation,

Can you please love me like a daughter? Please? Oh, please. I've been looking for a father for so long. I need to feel what it's like to have a father or I'll never be complete.

Pastor of my old church, men in my current church, father of my best friend, father of my husband, my own father - oh, how I need an older male role model in my life. It's taken me so long to realize this. I've been trying to get to it through intellectual knowledge, asking people what a father is like, hoping by reading the textbook I can apply it myself.

I've finally realized something very important. I literally need a father figure in my life. I need one. Not "I can get by without one," not "It would be nice to have one," not "If I just figure out what a dad looks like, I can pretend it applies to God." I am a super-concrete person and I need a concrete father-figure, even for just a short time--just time enough to teach me the lessons I missed out on about dads. Just time enough to feel all the things that my friend Amy wrote about godly fathers. I was never, ever good at applying theory into real life in school unless somebody showed it to me, plain and clear.

I know posting this here, there aren't any father figures who will see it. I was going to put it on Blogger because I knew it had more of a chance of being seen that way by the people it's directed at.

But Stephen cautioned me against it, and I'm glad he did.

His dad, as I have explained before, is very reserved with expressing emotions. And I have mentioned that his parents are "too" good with boundaries. Stephen has offered me some clarity on this note. I was referring mostly to his dad with that remark (from this entry), and Stephen has clarified that his dad isn't just too good with boundaries--he's actually confused about them. He's not sure what boundaries are supposed to look like with daughters-in-law. That makes WAY more sense. WAY MORE. I knew that somewhere in my head, but I hadn't ever been able to put words to it like he just did. His dad IS "too good" with boundaries--but it's because he would rather err on the side of caution. Like, um, somebody else I could mention (ME!). Wow, we really are alike. So throwing myself out there like that would make him even more uncertain and probably have exactly the opposite effect I'd be hoping for.

So I've realized what I need to do next. I need to figure out how to win his heart. I know he's confused about boundaries--I need to let him know, somehow, that I need him to be like a dad to me.

Or, another option I could go forward with: reaching out to other men (i.e. in our church) that could be father figures for me. I'm not as sure how to do that. I've practiced winning people's hearts over my whole life; I've got that down pat and have all the patience in the world to wait for it, if I just give somebody a chance. But I do not know how to go looking for a man that would make a good father figure. That's totally new to me.

One other thing I realized on this note. I need to give Stephen's dad another chance. Wow, what a humbling thought that was to realize. I saw Steve's (my husband's dad) reserve and decided he didn't want me, or wasn't going to be the father figure I need, because he's just not sensitive enough. All the while, Stephen kept telling me that he really is sensitive, but I just flat-out didn't believe him, 'cause I couldn't see any of it, and I couldn't come up with any other reason that he would be holding out on me like that. Now Stephen's given me the reason and I realize, humbly, that I've been wrong to judge Steve (the elder) so quickly.

It's kind of frustrating and miserable, LOL, that we are so alike--his dad and I. Both uncertain of what our relationship should look like, and both the types to hide until we've figured it out. LOL. Does that spell "counterproductive" to anybody else? LOL! :)

Oh, one other thing I want to write down that I figured out today (wow! good day for figuring stuff out!). About winning hearts over, male and female alike. My grandpa is a closed, gruff, hard-to-approach kind of man, even though I know he loves his family. My mom is a hurt, angry woman who has built an iron wall of cynicism, sarcasm, and pride around her heart, but I know she is capable of loving, too, or else she wouldn't still be sticking it out with Sam and I (we have been very difficult children!). But I was and am the kind of person that needs to be shown affection. And I've been trying to charm and wile and wheedle it out of both Grandpa and Mom for as long as I can remember, and as I grew up, I extended my efforts to win people over to people outside of my family, too. Anyway, it was good to realize this and figure it out and know why I do this "charm" thing. Now that I've outlined all this and have it straight in my head AND heart, I can stop kicking myself so hard for not winning people over. I can look at the real problem, which is that my family has a difficult time expressing love in the way I need them too, and be much, much easier with myself. Hallelujah!

Praise God for helping me sort out so many difficult things this week. I feel way more centered now. :)

Praise God,
Stephanie

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