Had a rather odd day at work. I drove today because the regular weekday driver took a day off. The delivery van broke down on me about eleven o'clock after one of my deliveries. I spent a lot of time sitting and doing nothing while the van stuff got figured out. We thought at first that the battery was dead, but it ended up being the starter. But God was with us, because the day was rather slow delivery-wise. We still got all the flowers delivered and it wasn't even a stressful thing to do so (although Delilah did take half of the ones that were left when we returned to the shop at three).

Yesterday was not so good of a day. I spent most of the day crying... It's kind of a sad, pathetic story. *sheepish grin* I worked from 9-1 cleaning flowers like I usually do. It went r-e-a-l-l-y slowly, because the shop was busy and Georgene couldn't help me get it all done. At one o'clock I had done everything but ALL the roses. And the roses is a BIG, slow-going job, because of the thorns. Delilah came in... I secretly hoped she would say, "You can go home; we'll do the rest of those," like she has said to me at one-ish the last two Mondays. Instead she said, "You can stay past one if you want."

I thought it was a passive way of telling me to stay... But I wasn't sure... I fell apart. I really. Really. Really. Desperately wanted to go home. I didn't see much of Stephen all weekend, and I had stayed up way too late a couple nights, and the sleep deprivation totally killed my emotional energy. Totally killed it.

I started crying after Delilah left. But she came back in just a couple minutes later and saw me, and just melted. I never knew she was sensitive before yesterday. She is. She got very motherly on me, asking me what was wrong. It took me forever to get a hold of myself. I finally stammered out, "Can I go home?" and fell apart again. Through a mess of tears, I explained that I hadn't seen Stephen all weekend. She was totally understanding and basically said, "Of course you can go home!" Ugh. Her niceness just made me feel worse, LOL. That's how it goes sometimes. :')

So I cleaned up my work area very quickly and went in to clock off. Georgene had been in the shop the whole time Delilah was talking to me, but I knew D would tell her. They remind me of my family... No secrets; everybody gets talked about, LOL. It sounds heartless and mean--but it's not heartless, mean talk, it's actually very caring, not-quite-sure-how-to-express-it-correctly love. So when I went in to clock off, Georgene came out with her arms open and just said with a smile, "Come here." I cannot tell you how glad I was to receive that hug. I really needed it. :/ Georgene is so awesome.

So I got to go home and cry to Stephen until I let it all out. :') And then we were both exhausted (he got up super early to try and take pictures of the sunrise--but he got stuck in rush hour!), so we went to bed. It was pretty much the best thing he could possibly have done right then. To be close with him and cuddly and sleep... Solved a bunch of problems at once. I felt loved, I got to be with him, and I got sleep. Ahhhhh, wonderful! :)

We slept for, like, 2 hours. When we woke up, we talked, which was nice, until we got onto some touchy theology topics. :/ We went from love and peace to tension and frustration in a matter of minutes. :/ I can't remember if I cried or not, but I probably did. Thankfully (God again), we got it all talked through, more or less. Stephen was amazingly patient and gracious with me. Sometimes things just happen that you have to give God credit for.

Then we had to go to small group. I cried at small group too. The week's session is on idolatry--finding it in our lives and turning it into worship of God. And Sunday night, our group there was fantastic. They were so...open is the only word for it. They really "got" it.

Our small group is frustrating the heck out of me. I feel like they are purposely not "getting" the study and I hate it. I don't know if that's true or not--but I'm inclined to believe that every last one of them has got stupid WALLS up to prevent them from going any deeper in their faith. I canNOT understand it at all. I can understand, you know, one person or two--but a whole entire group all at once?! They're doing it on purpose. What I mean is, something about our group dynamic--and I already know that it's our group introvertedness, and probably some pride--is keeping them from getting open with each other. It's been like that since the beginning. But now that Stephen and I are leading it, it just utterly frustrates me.

So I attempted to get them to be open by being open myself, but that's difficult even for me. And then it didn't even WORK. Instead, I fell apart and started crying. But, gosh darn it, if breaking down and crying every week is what it takes to get that darn group to open up, I'll do it!! I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of our groups superficiality with each other. I KNOW they are not superficial people. Why won't they quit acting like they are?!

So I've got to be praying for them. :/ I don't know what to do. Part of me wonders--is this the "dead horse" that our small group leadership training session talked about? Is this the group that has gotten too comfortable with themselves to be benefitting anymore from the study? Is this the group we need to put an end to? I honestly would be okay with that at this point. I truly, truly would.

All that said... Stephen invited a new couple, a couple he just took engagement photos, to be part of our group. He is a fairly new Christian. I'm not sure if she is or not. We know his grandpa--he led our small group leadership training class. He told the story of Will's conversion, without mentioning his name--and now I've met the grandson! Quite ironic.

But honestly, I think it's up to the leaders to encourage openness among the group. Will and Savannah could come in, sense the introverted dynamic of the group, and clam up just like the rest of them. Oy. Leadership is certainly not the easiest job in the world.

Ha, one last short story about yesterday. After this whole emotional, sleep-deprived day was over, we went home. I was hungry but had been eating too much sugar... So I got myself a piece of bread and buttered it, and poured a big glass of milk.

Somehow the bread slipped out of my hand as I tried to pick it up, and as my hand flew to grab it again, my arm knocked over the big glass of milk, all over the floor and all over my last pair of clean jeans.

I stared at the milk on the floor and No use crying over spilt milk was the only thing I could think of.

I walked straight into the bathroom and started my tooth-cleaning process, the very last thing I do before heading to bed. It was only 9:30.

Stephen saw all of this and knew exactly how I was feeling and what was going through my head. "Are you just going to bed?" he asked sympathetically.

"Yep."

"Okay. I'm sorry, honey." He couldn't hide the edge of a smile at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. If I had had even a shred of energy left, I would've been laughing right there with him. But every last piece of me was drained; I couldn't even muster a chuckle.

I did go to bed. I didn't go to sleep right away, though. Stephen came in to kind of comfort me. He was really sweet. I asked him to just air fluff my pants in the dryer one more time, and after they were done to lay them out to dry wherever he could find a spot. I also asked him to get me some ibuprofen and water because all the crying had given me a headache.

We both went to bed early; it was actually really nice. I got tons of sleep, and that's probably the only way I could have gotten through the nuttiness of working today and the van breaking down. Seriously, life? Seriously?

So that's an account of my last 2 days. Lovely. And now I am going to go do my tooth-cleaning things.

-Stephanie

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