Now that I'm feeling a little bit better, I guess I could explain about my last entry.

I went to Nate's house today to give him and his family their gifts. Kristi and Dave gave me gifts, too. They gave me a mug that says on the front "Teachers Are A Special Blessing" and on the back "Teachers have Pure Hearts" with a verse underneath (Psalm 24:4, 5). It took me a minute to get that at first. I forgot I was an English Education major. :) What I really liked about it, though, was that Kristi told me, "Because you are very pure in heart." That really touched me...

{smile} I told her, "Well, I better become a teacher then!" And she said, "Well, I'm sure whatever your profession, you will be a teacher in some way." It reminded me of how Nate used to call me Teach because I was his spiritual teacher and he was my student...

I gave Hannah a box of crayons, a coloring book, and a white stuffed teddy bear with a heart with her name on it. She loved that teddy bear! Oh, it was sweet to see her love it so much. Especially when I was so worried about it. Would she think it was weird that I gave her something with her name on it? (Okay, so she's seven, and she would most likely not think like that, but you never know!) But Hannah loved it! And Kristi saw that, too, and said to me, "That looks like your mark of approval!" :) They're so wonderful. I know I say that a lot... But they are!

After the gift-exchanging, Kristi and Dave talked to me about college life and such. I kind of felt like we were excluding Nate, but he wasn't saying anything... So I let it be. Then Kristi and Dave and I ran out of stuff to say, and she told Nate and I, "Well, you two can go downstairs if you want to and chat." At this Nate and I exchanged Looks. We decided after the October episode that we would never be downstairs alone together again.

So that's when things began to get difficult. Nate and I sat next to each other on the couch. But we didn't talk... The TV was on and we both just sat there and stared at it. He was probably actually watching; I wasn't. I was running an endless circle of questions in my head on our relationship... Things have changed. He's different... Or I'm different. Maybe we're just different. And I know that's a very Hollywood drama-style statement, but it's exactly how I feel... It's killing me.

WOW. Wow. I just thought of that DC Talk song.

But I want you to know
It's killing me
I think I gotta let go
But it's killing me
You're gonna do what you want
But you better believe
It's killing me.

I've seen it comin' for quite some time, and
I don't know what you're thinkin'.
How can the two of us walk in stride if we don't see eye to eye?
You got me all messed up inside.

Is it too late in the game?
There is no one left to blame.
I will always mention you
To the One that I pray to.

I don't think that song has ever applied more!!

So anyway... The worst part was at the end, when he kind of realized what was wrong, and told me, "I don't know what to say."

The statement cut straight to me. "I know! I know," I said, finally coming on the verge of tears.

Then Becka and Kevin and Tricia and Dan (his sisters and their husbands) came back and I immediately knew I had to go. I hadn't wanted to "still be there" when they came back, and now I had all the more reason to leave. "You're familly's home; I should go," I said all in a rush as I scrambled to get my stuff together.

"No, wait, Steph!" Nate protested. "What's wrong?"

But it was really too late; the tears were coming and I did not want to be seen crying, on Christmas Eve, in front of these people that had been so wonderful to me. "I don't want them to see me cry!" I blurted out to Nate. I normally wouldn't say that; I'd jump up and make him follow me. (That's the trick, girls, if you ever want sympathy from your guy. Make the guy follow you. And, guys... Um, forget I said that. :) ) But the feeling was so strong of not wanting to be seen crying that I just cast manipulation aside and said my feelings outright.

Knowing I could not even conceivably rush out of there without saying good-bye to Kristi and Dave, I put on an everything's-all-right-but-I've-got-to-go face and went over to them and said good-bye. Love those guys. They've practically accepted me as a daughter... And what Kristi was saying about Hannah giving me a "mark of approval"...

By shoving on the everything's-okay-face, the tears disappeared, but I still wanted OUT of there. Nate went outside without shoes or a sweatshirt or anything 'cause I was in such a hurry to run. Poor guy... Why does he do stuff like this for me?

Out by my car, I finally got it worded to him: "We can't even talk anymore. Not on the phone, not here..." To which he replied, starting to get flustered, "I can't think of anything to say!"

Of course, that's the problem. And he doesn't really see it... That also kills me. He doesn't see it! He's grown away from me and he doesn't even really see it. Because I pushed him to that point...

That's what the last part of my entry earlier meant. "Why did you let it end? Because I did..." I pushed him to it... To the point of letting go, like the song says, like I need to do, but I don't want to. I got him there! What kind of hypocrite am I? This is something I've struggled with most of these last 4 months, though you wouldn't guess it from anything I say or do. I'm just thinking it all the time... I'm the one that got him to the point that I don't even want him at! It's so stupid.

Hm... I'm getting a sense of deja vu. I have written about this before somewhere in here.

::searches::

Oh... Oh.

Now this is why everyone should keep a prayer journal. They hold so many answers when you look back.

In my entry All That, For What?, I wrote this exact same kind of thing. He was suddenly the one pulling away and I realized all along I hadn't wanted him to at all! I asked myself, "Why on earth did I try to make him let go if I didn't want him to at all??" and then I found the answer... To avoid his melodrama. I can't stand that. It drove me nuts when he called and he was all depressed because he missed me or whatever. So I pressed him to move on... And then he did... And my world crashed.

All this to avoid melodrama?

Heavens, what a fool I am.

{sigh} So. That's what's going on. There's the story behind the last entry...

Oh, I forgot to say. Out by my car, I said, "I just wish it would've worked out better."

Nate took me by the shoulders and said, "It'll work out!"

There were two ridiculous things about that scenario. The first is I had wanted him to say something like that. The second is I believed him when he said it.

What the heck? What is with my brain? Doesn't it see a hopeless situation when one is presented before its very eyes??

Oh, Lord... What do we do now?

Are You even in this? Have You left? If so, when did You leave? In October when I went to his house? Over the Oregon Coast Trip? (That wouldn't surprise me.) Right after we broke up and still went too far? Maybe You left when I first thought of the stupid idea to break up with him. Or maybe You left when I first thought of the stupid idea to go out with him.

Maybe You left December 26, 2003.

Anyway, Father. I know I ask this a lot. Maybe I'm just not seeing or hearing You... But can You help me find some answers, please?

{sigh} I wish there wasn't a time difference between me and Angela.

-Stephanie