Woo-hoo!! Diaryland is back up!! Time to post all the entries I've been forced to put up on MySpace instead. :P

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May 2, 2007 - Dawn in the Sky

I talked to Nate on the phone yesterday. It was one of the best conversations we've had. Things keep improving between us, and I'm so glad.

One of the best parts of the conversation was when I talked to Nate about Netta. Those of you that remember my writing about that weekend remember that Nate asked me personally what I thought of her, but I was too preoccupied with getting used to him doing things with her he used to only do with me to give him a real answer. I wished he would ask me again later when I was in a better state of mind to tell him about reservations/concerns I had about her, completely separate from any feelings I used to have about him, completely separate from his parents' concerns and reservations.

Yesterday he called and did ask me the same question again.

"I like her," I repeated to him, "But there is one thing I'm concerned about."

"The Mormon thing, right?" Nate immediately filled in. That kind of flustered me because it wasn't what I was going to say, but it was part of it. I told him that my real concern was that I don't think she is as attached to him as he is to her. That is a genuine concern I have. She seemed to enjoy his friendship but not have any romantic feelings toward him. On the other hand, Nate seemed to be quite attached to her. (He does get attached pretty quickly and easily... That is too bad in some ways, but one day he might learn, like I did, that there are very good things about giving your heart away too easily.)

Nate was quiet after I told him this. Not an offended quiet, just a thoughtful quiet. And then he said gently, "Still looking out for me, huh?"

It's true. "I probably always will," I said to him.

Once upon a time a friend's mom told me, "You have such a soft heart, Stephanie. Don't ever change that." I worried then that I would change. But I think I have done all right.

That was all he said to me. I think I gave him food for thought, which was really all I wanted to do. I hope he understood that.

A little theological/philosophical observation on the side... It's a little amazing to me--and a little humbling--that Nate still has this enormous trust for me. I broke his heart once. What on earth could possibly make him trust me so much? It can only be God.

I think he trusts me because I sincerely do still want to be friends with him. But I attribute that solely to God. I believe God doesn't want broken relationships, but He wants us to love each other, from the heart. I believe God never intended pain to be part of this world, and so He would want us to be friends after breakups. That isn't always possible, but I believe that's how God wants it. And so I make the effort.

And what an effort it has been. Working at maintaining a friendship with Nate has been one of the most exhausting jobs I have ever had to do. I believe it is worth the effort--or will be in the long run. The results haven't quite balanced out the effort yet, but I believe, have faith, know it will.

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I thought I had written another follow-up blog on Nate stuff, but I guess not. Anyway, we talked again a couple days after the conversation above when I told him about Netta possibly not being as attached to him as he is to her. I do believe that. In the second conversation, I told him why that might be. I reminded him that Mormons are quite focused on getting married young, and I worry that that's Netta's chief interest. Mormons also date to convert, as my roommate (Becca) tells me. So she may be just kind of going along with Nate's feelings in order to get close and convert him. I don't think I said it quite that well to Nate... But that is my concern. Nate didn't really respond directly to what I said. He went off on a different tack that led to him telling me he's been researching the Mormon religion.

I knew that... His parents had told me. I wasn't worried about it, though, until he seemed to overemphasize talking to people who are Mormons. I think it's fine that he talk to people who are Mormons, but I don't think he should limit it to that. I think he should also read books and talk to ex-Mormons. His parents think he shouldn't talk to current Mormons at all. They think he should stick to non-Mormon texts and people. I disagree with that. I think it's worthwhile for Nate to talk to people who are involved in the religion. I just don't think that should be his only source of information. My roommate (Becca) tells me that they tell Mormons different beliefs at different levels in their faith... I explained that to Nate and emphasized talking to people within different levels of faith (not just people on Netta's level). I hope he believed me and will listen to my advice.

I don't forsee any real commitment on Nate's part to the Mormon faith right now--I think he is just curious about it for the same reason I'm curious about Mexican culture ;D --but I don't know how emotionally wrapped up in Netta he is... So I'll just watch and wait.

I'm thinking right now of the impact I had on Nate's life and I'm pretty much astonished. That boy... I am not God to him like I was, practically, in our relationship, but the way he talks to me... I can't really even describe it. I feel like his church consists of him--the parish--and me--the deacon, priest and bishop all rolled into one. He made a deeper commitment to Christ when we were together, I remember that... And I guess the impact I had in that decision on his part has never diminished in his eyes. It's a little hard for me to take in. I felt at the time and still feel like I was just doing my job...

Anyway. Musings for another day. I need to wash my hair and get going. Today is going to be a busy day to start the busy week.

HOLY COW. I just read about confession in the Orthodox Christian church... Wow. That sounded so much like me to Nate, that day in my car in May. I suppose it's not usually an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old, though. :)Confession in the Eastern Orthodox Church. Weird...

Anyway. Off. Interesting discoveries to think about.

-Stephanie

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