There was a knock on the door.

"That's probably Gabe; are you going to get it?" I called to Chris.

"Yeah... But I don't think that's Gabe," she responded.

I heard the door open.

"Is it Gabe?" I said, starting to come out of my room.

"No, it's Kevin."

Kevin.

Kevin. Really.

I stayed in my room for a couple of moments. Chris said something to Kevin as she let him in and I think she mentioned my name. I took that as my cue to come out.

Kevin's expression didn't change as much as I'd hoped it would when he saw me and Chris standing together in the same room, and him in the center of it. Oh well. I guess he doesn't think about it much anymore. I don't think about it that much, actually, but I certainly haven't forgotten.

"You haven't moved," was all he said to me, in a surprised tone.

"Nope, I haven't. Life's full of the oddest coincidences," I said as I walked back to my room. He didn't hear the last part. He was saying to Chris, "That's funny that they put you two together."

Funny.

Kevin's Facebook status lately was, "Kevin is an international heartbreaker."

I wrote on his wall in response to it: "And very proud of it too, I suppose."

He replied: "Not proud, but a little amused."

Amused.

Isaac's words came back to me: Guys initiate this kind of drama in their lives for amusement.

::sigh::

I'm okay with Chris being here. But I still having forgiveness problems with Kevin. One of these days I'll forgive myself and then him. Till then...

"What are you doing?"
"Uh... Trudging. You know, to trudge? To trudge--the slow, weary, depressing, yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left, except the impulse to simply...soldier on. But on the other hand, trudging does represent pride... Pride, resolve and faith in the good Lord Almighty, please, Christ, rescue me from my tribulations!"

A Knight's Tale

That made me laugh. Let's end on that high note, right there. :D I love that movie.

---

May 10: My supervisor at the library sometimes doubles as a counselor for all her employees. She's really good at it. She was mine today, and I needed it.

I haven't grieved properly over the ending of whatever-it-was with Kevin last December. I felt like crying all throughout Christmas break, but I never did. I always told myself, "I should have known better" and just kept trudging along, 'cause I felt like that was the right thing to do. Today--I don't know what it was, but the need to cry about him suddenly hit me as I worked in the back. I tried being "stronger than that" like I always do, but this time it didn't work. I knew I was going to break down in a minute, so I went in search of some place quiet where I could cry without disturbing people (like my supervisor). But the cleaning lady was in the bathroom... And I was on the clock, so there really wasn't anywhere to go. I decided to try and be strong some more and see if I could last the final hour and a half I would be working, till I could go to the apartment and bawl my eyes out. (half smile)

I couldn't do it. I had to stop working and let myself go. My supervisor heard my sniffles and stifled sobs, asked if I was okay and then came over. "Talk to me," she said.

It took me a minute to gather myself. I told her what was wrong--told her about Kevin and me--and then I just let her take over so I could cry.

She made me realize that I do need to let myself grieve over the loss of the relationship. That's really what it was... I've written in this diary how he treats me differently now that he doesn't like me anymore--but it's the same way he treated me before he liked me. Anyway... My supervisor also made me realize that Kevin really did hurt me. It isn't my fault for not being smart enough to see it coming. There isn't an excuse for his behavior. He isn't handling relationships right by hopping from girl to girl to girl in premeditated succession.

Premeditated succession - I'm not even kidding. Mrs. M told me that he has a real list. A LIST. Of girls to... I don't know what. It makes me too angry to think about. I thought maybe he had a subconscious list of girls that he might like to get to know better--that wouldn't be a bad thing. But he has a conscious, perhaps even written-down list of girls to...check out, to analyze, to get close to to see if they fit his description of the "right" woman for him. He had a list when he liked me. He had a list before me. He has a list now.

I hate him.

That's the other thing I realized when Mrs. M was talking to me. I hate what he's done to me. I hate him for being the way he is. For treating girls like trash. For stepping all over hearts and for being PROUD of it. If he says he isn't proud of it, he's an outright liar. A liar.

I believed much better of him than this.

Kevin is a great guy outside of the realm of romance. I think I've said this before. I very much enjoyed his company last semester. But when it comes to romance... As Mrs. M put it so well, "he isn't Kevin anymore." She's right. That Kevin isn't the real Kevin. But it is nonetheless part of who he is right now.

::sigh:: So I am finally past the denial stage that I didn't know I was in. I'm now at the angry/upset stage. What comes next, oh mighty psychologist reading this? ;)

Fortunately I am not a bad person and I will not stay in this stage for all eternity. I'll move on. I'm just kind of glad right now that I realize it isn't my fault, that he did hurt me, and that there's no excuse for his beahvior--towards me or towards any girl he's trashed the feelings of.

Mrs. M said Kevin probably wasn't even aware my feelings had gotten involved. I find that hard to believe... But maybe she's right. She also said that Chris and I might find that we have more in common than I thought we did. She may feel just as hurt by Kevin as I do. That possibility had never even crossed my mind... Chris and I are very different. She's quite independent-seeming. But I do recall that when Kevin told me that "There's nothing between Chris and I anymore" I got the impression that he had ended things. So maybe she did get hurt.

Mrs. M also said (sorry; I'm remembering the conversation in pieces) that I might need some time to get over Kevin before being ready for another relationship. I wish that weren't true, but I think it is. My first 2 years of college, I was so intensely anti-relationships, because I had just recently gotten out of the relationship with Nate. That was a much deeper wound... So I'm hoping that at least by next semester, or maybe a month into it, I'll be done grieving. It might be longer, though, 'cause I'm not even going to see him once I go "home" to Vancouver. Suddenly seeing him again when I get back might trigger those feelings all over again.

I'm not going to worry about it, though. I take a life a day at a time--I'm really good at that. So good, in fact, that I have NO idea what I will be doing in one year when I have graduated from college. :) I don't even know what I'll be doing this summer... I have no plans, except to go to Camp May-Mac in July. But even that's not concrete. I need to talk with my youth pastor and find out who will be taking the group down, since he won't be able to. Then I'll be able to make my plans more concrete... I want to go back so bad. I miss Sal. I miss the counselors. I miss the kids. I miss the beautiful mountain weather. I'll only be there for 10 days-ish... But it'll be worth every minute of it. Please, please, please, God, let me be able to go to Camp May-Mac this summer!!

---

Hm. I found Kevin in a book.

"She felt within herself the stirring of dim aspriation, the uprising of a new power of self-devotion and self-sacrifice, a trance of hero worship, a cloud of high ideal images,--the lighting up, in short, of all that God has laid, ready to be enkindled, in a woman's nature, when the time comes to sanctify her as the pure priestess of a domestic temple. But, alas! it was kindled by one who did it only for experiment, because he felt an artistic pleasure in the beautiful light and heat, and cared not, though it burned a soul away."

Harriet Beecher Stowe
The Minister's Wooing

Will someone please talk to me? I need a distraction.

-Stephanie

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