Today has been an interesting day. I've been, in my mom's words, "grinning from ear to ear" since I got back from camp, and then today my major "camp high" came to a crashing end. I felt like crying all day long and actually did cry upon hearing Carrie Underwood's "Jesus, Take the Wheel" on the radio. I feel a lot like the girl in the first verse right now.

Jesus, Take the Wheel
Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her mama & her daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said, "I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight"

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus, take the wheel

On another note... This conversation is from more than 10 days ago, but it's STILL running through my head. I was venting to Isaac about Jerkface a.k.a. Kevin and what he did with my letter (1, 2).

Me: the letter was just explaining to him that he's actually hurting people
Me: he...acts like he's interested in a girl, pursues her till she finds herself starting to like him, and then BAM, he's gone
Isaac: *raises eyebrow* ?
Me: and on to another girl
Isaac: ah
Me: jerkface...
Me: 'k, stopping with the "jerkface" now, really :P
Isaac: an insecure jerkface... but a jerkface nonetheless
Me: insecure?
Me: whoa
Me: never thought of it that way...
Me: tell me more about this insecurity stuff. seriously, that never even crossed my mind, and you teach me things about guys a lot
Isaac: um... hello?
Me: LOL!!!!
Me: okay, wow, that actually made me laugh out loud! :-D
Me: you're great :-D
Isaac: guy, party of one
Me: okay, yeah
Me: but I don't talk to guys about guys much, geez
Me: so you think he does that because he's...afraid of something?
Me: we talk about other stuff. theology, politics, dancing, red dresses.... ;)
Isaac: cuz guys shrug their shoulders and look at you dumbly until you stop talking and then take it as a cue that you don't actually need their opinion on pragmatic, practical things
Me: wow I don't have a clue what you mean by that
Isaac: we'd rather talk about dancing and politics and red dresses than 'serious' stuff
Me: politics isn't serious?
Me: politics/theology, etc.
Isaac: of course it is!
Me: I'm so confused
Isaac: all of it is serious, but you would rather talk about these things rather than matters of the heart, or things that affect others adversly
Isaac: people retaliate when forced to be accountable
Isaac: I know I do
Me: wait... oh, I think I see.
Me: okay
Me: we're on the same page now, sorry :)
Me: lol...
Isaac: LOL
Isaac: ok.
Isaac: so back to insecurity
Me: yes, you were going to tell me about jerky guys actually being insecure :)
Isaac: a guy will hop from girl to girl because they won't know what to do once they get to a certain point (ie when the girl actually starts liking them). See, the thrill of the chase brings hormones, pride, and a certain level of boyish bravery and spontaneity
Me: ok
Isaac: and... most importantly, a clear objective... an endgame
Isaac: namely get the girl to like you
Me: yeah, but how does that tie into insecurity? they just...'k, I'm trying to tie it in. guys really like the chase, that I know. but they don't know what to do when they get the game (okay, that sounds hilarious... imagining cavemen looking stupidly at a deer they've just shot... :D)
Isaac: but then, as BB King so aptly puts it, "the thrill is gone" because the chase is over
Me: so they go back to what they know...which is chasing
Me: hm
Isaac: EXactly
Isaac: because they are afraid of going into something they know they do not know anything about
Me: oh. well, that I can totally relate to...but it's just funny that it's relationships they don't know anything about
Me: for some reason, that just strikes me as really odd. guess 'cause girls are relational and all that jazz
Isaac: or they (we) probably do, but don't want to go into it. Because it starts carrying a responsibility
Me: ah
Isaac: yes
Me: see, that's what I'm afraid of and what I feel like I ran right into
Me: with Kevin
Me: I'd rather believe better of him...that he doesn't know what to do once he gets into a relationship...sigh
Isaac: well, he might very well know... but he might not be prepared for it
Me: hm. guess so
Isaac: not prepared = ignorant of the feelings that go into what it is to be prepared for that sort of thing (enter the girl)
Isaac: (who is more relational and hence is better naturally 'prepared' for "that sort of thing")
Me: k...I think I understand. so guys are unaccustomed to all the feelings girls go through all the time with crushes and whatnot
Me: is that it?

Isaac: YES

Me: FASCINATING!
Isaac: guys don't know the first thing that goes thru a girl's mind

Isaac: MUCH LESS a woman�s

Isaac: it was Freud's dying question "What do women want?"
Me: that is just so totally fascinating...'cause in pop songs guys sing about losing a girl. and it hurts them, too, just as much as it hurts the girl. but I bet the guys' hurting is a lot different...although I couldn't say how...'cause all those feelings in that relationship that they didn't understand all hit 'em at once, POW, just like that
Isaac: I can tell you about losing a girl, let me tell you...
Isaac: it feels like a truck slammed into your chest, the very air sucked out of your lungs, so that every breath you take is more laborious than the next and you feel like you have a knot in your throat for two weeks
Isaac: but we (guys) process the pain/angst differently than the opposite gender would
Me::how so?
Isaac: I can't tell you for sure (because I haven't been inside the head of a woman before)... I can only ask how you deal with it, and I can tell you how I deal with it
Isaac: and everybody is different in that respect
Isaac: very. different.
Isaac: as in, not rational
Me: lol!
Isaac: well... :) But seriously, love, romance and heartbreak isn't rational
Isaac: C.S. Lewis puts it wwwwwwwwway more aptly and profoundly than I ever will (The Four Loves).
Me: ah yes, that book I need to read :-P
Isaac: wink wink, nudge nu... YES YOU DO
Me: btw, I found Mere Christianity in a box in our shed in the back yard
Isaac: nice
Me: that and 5 other C.S. Lewis books, but not The Four Loves
Isaac: it's pretty easy reading up until a certain point
Me: okay
Isaac: when he stops talking about abstract theology and starts talking about real, pragmatic, practical stuff :D
Me: lol right
Isaac: so anywhoo
Isaac: are you feeling better?
Isaac: he's still a jerkface :P
Me: yeah, I'm feeling better
Me: I'm still a little mad at him...but this conversation has definitely helped me look at things differently.
Me: bitterness and anger could easily eat me up, I'm sure, if I didn't find some kind of small excuse for his behavior
Isaac: bitterness and anger takes too much energy

And that was where the conversation ended.

I'm not even sure I totally understood everything. What I think Isaac said is that guys don't go through the emotional ups and downs during a crush that girls do, and that when they get into a relationship, those ups and downs hit hard... And I really don't get that. I'm sitting here trying to figure out, what is different about a relationship, that it brings in all the ups and downs? Of course, he did say "Enter the girl" and that's what makes it more complicated... Which kind of makes me laugh because girls ARE complicated, and it's a bit amusing to me imagining how...alarming it must be for a guy to come face to face with that for the first time.

On the other hand, I don't even know what a crush without the ups and downs would be like. It is completely beyond my comprehension. That's what a crush is...

Anyway, the things he told me are still fascinating to me and I'm still turning them over in my mind... Trying to understand these creatures God created called "men"... And trying to understand why He created us so different and how it is that we work together so well...

And then the other part of the conversation that keeps running through my head is the bit about guys and girls andwhat they talk about. That's another part of the conversation that I didn't totally get... What I think he said, though, is that talking about things like the basic differences between guys and girls is a little too "serious" because it strikes a little too close to home... A little too down into the nitty-gritty about guys and girls. I think I'm just barely on the verge of understanding it--like, I have a really vague, ghost of an idea of why talking about the differences between guys and girls is so "serious"...But it's just out of my reach. :P Oh well...I've got Isaac around for a bit longer, I think (LOL), so maybe I'll get ahold of it someday as we talk more.

Guy-girl relations is such an interesting thing to think about.

-Stephanie

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