Wow, I'm writing at one in the morning again. It never feels that late!

I am writing some really good news. Yesterday Stephen and I had a really good talk, and today we went to his parents' house and had a really good talk. I am doing much, much better.

And I wanted to come in here and write one thing: Whenever I run to God in hard times instead of away from him, he always manages to astound me with how he turns my life around. It took me by complete, joyful surprise today as I wrote ecstatic thank yous to him in my prayer journal: "God, you always manage to turn my life around and amaze me when I run to you! What have I been doing for so long, turning away from you instead of to you?!" It's been a super long time since I have ever thought that. This last year has been a HARD one. Ever since I encountered those stupid atheist agnostics...

(Side note: Looking back, I realized I never explicitly mentioned them here. Last summer, shortly after this conversation, which was also incredibly hard on me, and the crashing end of my camp high, I ran into some atheist agnostics on Facebook that really, really, really shook up my faith. It was what this prayer was about. I don't think I ever fully recovered, and last semester's literature classes were the breaking and shattering point of my faith, when I turned into an agnostic theist.)

I was able to tell Stephen's parents tonight ALL of my concerns and worries, which I did not think I would be able to do. In fact, it didn't look like I was going to until Steve's dad said something like, "We're a very open, accepting family, and please, just throw out any concerns or worries that you have. We're not going to judge you for them. Please let us know."

Unbeknownst to him, that was the key to unlocking all of my pent-up worries and concerns, and I believe God was the one who put it in him to say that. I won't enumerate where my concerns mostly lay, but I was able to give them all up after Steve's dad opened the door. And I felt SO much better.

My concerns are pretty deeply seated in some prejudices I have developed over the years and I know that they will not disappear overnight. But I know that the counseling Stephen and I are taking, and the individual counseling I'm taking, Steve's parents' continual love, and God's speaking to me in other ways will help immensely. I am so glad--there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I think I'm going to get better.

Wow, what a lot of hope that brings.

-Stephanie

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