He's been in the back of my mind since the letter. I've been Not Dealing with it. Last night the dam finally broke the minute I got into the car with my love to go find dinner. It only takes a sweet look from him to crumble me into all the pieces I've been holding together with tape during the day. I cried and I cried and I cried. I said I hate him (my father). I said why do I have to deal with this. My love just listened. "I know this has been coming for a while," he said. He always knows.

Today I went back to Not Dealing as I dealt with work instead. And immediately upon getting off, it all came back again, all the depression, just like the end of yesterday. I knew if I didn't find an answer of some kind, I would end up just as devastating a place as the day before. I didn't know where to look, but it stayed in my mind as I browsed Facebook, BabyCenter, and AlphaMom advice articles.

Then I read this one: http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/when-pregnancy-announcements-attack-part-iii/

It is about how to navigate the tricky waters of fertile vs. infertile friendships, which I mentioned is something in the forefront of my mind. I didn't expect to find something I needed to hear as I read Amalah's answer to the girl on the infertile side of the spectrum. But there it was:

"Personally, I think the feelings and emotions and turmoil surrounding infertility can be viewed in a similar way as anxiety or panic. If you�ve never been treated for either, the general therapy line is something like this: Don�t fight it. When you feel that lump in your throat or that pang in your gut, don�t immediately go all no no no no not happening gah gah gah, because basically you cause your brain to unleash a secondary wave of anxiety about your anxiety. Instead, acknowledge it. Okay, there it is. I�m feeling this way right now. Let�s deal with it and move on. In other words, you shouldn�t HAVE to fight off all of these emotions all the time. It�s OKAY TO CRY."

You can remove the word "infertility" in that paragraph and replace it with any situation in life that causes emotional upheaval. Like this one.

Stopped me in my tracks and I just broke right down at my computer. I'm beginning to understand that that's the only way I'm going to get through this.

Stephanie

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